Fragmented Moments
by charactersthatholdmyheart
Summary: We can't change the past, but sometimes we wish more than anything that we could. Jane loses it after a particularly hard day and Maura is the only one who can comfort her. Inspired by thepriceismeg's idea that Maura is the "Jane whisperer".
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I saw thepriceismeg's headcannon on tumblr yesterday and I just had to make it a fanfic, it's such a brilliant idea:**

_ I hope someday we can see Jane just absolutely lose her shit over something and be all sobbing and violent and nobody can even come near her_

_except Maura just puts her arms around her and she doesn't even have to say anything and in 2 seconds Jane is just totally diffused and slumps into her arms_

_because she is the Jane whisperer_

__**So yes, thank you to her because this story wouldn't have formed without that idea. Hope you guys like this. I could leave it like this, but I also enjoyed writing it even more than I thought I would, so if there is enough interest, I would definitely consider continuing it and making it something more. I mean we already are headed in the Rizzles direction! ;) Let me know what you think, thanks!**

* * *

There are a lot of moments in our lives we wish we had the chance to do over, wish it had never happened. But then there are those moments that we'd pay pretty much anything to rewind time, to prevent them from happening. Those moments we _need_ to wipe clean. The yearning for this is so intense, our heart beats against our chest with only this need and it is hard to breathe.

It was one of _those _moments. She had made Frost kick open the door, go into the house first.

"What, am I designated door-kicker?" Frost moaned, when Jane stepped back and gestured for him to bust it in.

Jane had laughed, slapping him on the back. "For now. Quit moaning, Frost."

Korsak was behind her and she couldn't see Frost when she heard the gunshot. But she knew it came from deeper into the house. Everything was suddenly blurry, and confusing, as she whipped through the hallways until she found Frost on the ground. She couldn't leave him. She should have kept on moving through the house, left him for Korsak to attend to, but she just couldn't. She had failed as a partner.

Failed. She kneeled in his blood, holding her jacket to the hole in his chest, but the blood just kept squirting out and nothing she did was helping.

"Hold on, Frost, hold on for me, buddy." Her voice was shaky, but she had to keep talking to him, keep him focused on her. "Hey, remember that time we tried to see which one of us could hit Korsak with the most spitballs? You won, not me. I cheated, I told you a higher number than I really got, you won. So you have to live so that you can tease me forever, alright?"

The tears came as she cupped his cheek and all he did was stare at her and blink rapidly.

Korsak shot the bastard, and somewhere along the way they had gotten to the hospital.

Now, they all are sitting here waiting to hear any news. And she wishes she could go back and do it all over again so they wouldn't have to be here. She hates hospitals, but most of all the waiting rooms, where there's nothing to do but sit on your hands, and you feel an urge greater than ever to _do _something.

Maura's calming presence next to her is the only thing keeping her in this chair. Otherwise…well, she'd probably be going crazy in the bathroom or something, punching holes in walls was a good bet. She can feel the anger building up in her chest, like someone is placing little wooden blocks of rage one on top of the other, but they are not doing a very great job balancing them and pretty soon it's going to collapse and the blocks will shatter and the anger will come roaring out. It's just a matter of time.

Frost's mom and her wife have yet to arrive as they need to fly in. But the rest of Frost's family is here, huddled together: Ma is across from her playing with her hands and pretending she's distracted by a woman's magazine. But she's not. Jane can feel her eyes on her when she thinks Jane's not looking. Frankie keeps running his hands through his hair, looking at the ground. Maura is sitting rigidly in her chair, legs crossed, the picture of composure to the untrained eye, but Jane can tell she's distraught by the way she keeps playing with her skirt, fiddling with her thumbs. Korsak is hunched over, defeated, blaming himself, but it's not his damn fault.

It's hers. If she could just _do _something. Maura places a hand on her arm. She didn't even realize that she was beginning to stand up. Jane sits back down, but Maura doesn't let go, just rubs her hand up and down Jane's arm and Jane wonders why she can't stand when her Ma tries to comfort her like this, but it feels soothing when Maura does it. Jane turns to her left and is met with worried hazel eyes that are too much for her to take in, so she goes back to staring at her lap. And imagining turning back time.

* * *

It's been a grueling 17 hours. Frost made it through surgery, but he's still unconscious, and will be for a long time. He still has quite a bit of a journey to make until he's in the clear.

Getting Jane to leave his side was almost as hard as trying to find someone who wasn't bewildered by her "google mouth" as Jane called it. He's stable, he's not going to wake up for hours, Maura kept repeating, but Jane wouldn't have it.

Jane needed a break, or she would burst out in anger, Maura could see that.

"Jane, when he wakes up he's going to be scared to see you the way you are—covered in blood. Let's just go home and get you showered and changed. That's all. We'll be back here in less than an hour, I promise."

She had seen that finally begin to persuade Jane.

"Nothing's going to happen while we're gone?"

Maura couldn't lie. She didn't know. She settled with, "He's stable." And let Jane assume the rest.

Angela and Frankie had ended up coming with them, although she didn't know exactly why. Maybe they needed a break from the hospital, as well. She definitely did. Dead bodies didn't bother her, but a place where people were in the process of dying made her uncomfortable to say the least. And when it was Frost? Well…she knew they weren't close per say, but she considered him a friend. And she only had so many friends.

Maura sighs as she walks up the stairs to Jane's apartment. Jane had sprinted ahead, letting some much needed energy out, but Maura had stayed behind to help Angela carry in the bags of supplies she claimed Jane needed in her apartment: pots, pans, dishes, and who knows what else.

"There already in the car, why not bring them in?" Angela had said in fake cheerfulness, and Maura understood that she just needed to busy herself with something right now.

So, they are a couple of minutes behind Jane. For some reason, Maura feels a little nervous about giving Jane this time alone although she doesn't know why. She hurries up the steps a little faster, pushing open the door with her knee.

Jane's name is about to escape her lips, but she stops when she sees her. She's in the kitchen, moving around like a mini tornado. Maura stands in the doorway, stunned, watching as Jane tears down pictures on the refrigerator, chucks a stress ball lying on her counter. When Jane turns towards her, Maura can tell she's crying, but her face is definitely angry. She's never seen Jane like this and it makes her want to cry herself. It's so horrifying, but not because she's afraid of Jane—the strong arms that are now throwing whatever they can get their hands on. Because she has never seen Jane so totally out of control. And she had seen her through so many difficult situations.

Maura hears a gasp from behind her and whirls around to face Angela, her hand clasped over her mouth, eyes wide. Frankie looks shocked, concerned. But neither of them make a move towards Jane. Maura watches as she throws a dish, and it shatters against a cabinet. She knows Jane needs to let this anger out, but she could hurt herself the way she is releasing it right now. She can't stand watching this. She feels a pull towards Jane, a need to intervene.

Slowly, as if preparing for the delicacy which she would have to handle her friend, Maura places the bag on the floor. She begins to step towards Jane, when she feels a hand on her arm.

"No, Maura," Frankie whispers, as if he's afraid to talk too loud. "When she's like this, there's nothing anyone can do. I've only seen her like this twice, and nobody could get near her either time. You just need to let her ride it out."

But Maura shakes her head, and turns back around determined.

"She'll hurt you!" Frankie says more forcefully. "She won't mean to, but she will. Reason isn't going to work with her right now."

Maura doesn't think it will either. That isn't the plan. She isn't sure what is, but she knows she can make Jane calm down. She needs to. Seeing her like this is tearing her apart.

Jane is now beating her fists into her refrigerator. She doesn't see Maura as she glides across the floor towards her. Maura doesn't think it's a good idea to come from behind Jane, thinking it will startle her. So she comes around Jane's left side, and slowly, purposefully, wraps her arms around Jane's waist, tucking her head against Jane's back. She closes her eyes, squeezing Jane tight, sending her love, love, love. She can feel Jane's muscles slow, the bangs are no longer, now Jane's just breathing heavily. Maura doesn't let go of her, just maneuvers herself under Jane's arm so that she can wrap around her front.

Jane's arms slink around Maura's back now, fingers digging into her skin, desperate to hold onto something. Maura pulls Jane to her as hard as she can, and Jane squeezes back. Maura can barely breathe, but she doesn't think she would be able to anyway, with how hard Jane is crying now. Her sobs are so close to Maura's ear, loud, piercing, heartbreaking.

And then she is collapsing, and somehow Maura finds the strength to hold her up, to gently lower them to the floor. They sit there, still entwined around each other. It feels like only the two of them in the room, in the world.

"It's not your fault," Maura whispers into Jane's ear. "It's not your fault," non-stop, like a beat of a drum.

* * *

Twenty minutes later, they are still holding each other, but the sobs that seemed to be coming from nowhere and everywhere have stopped. Jane just feels exhausted. And surprisingly relaxed, calm, like being in Maura's arms is her personal medicine.

But there are things to do. Frost needs her. She sighs deeply, gives Maura one last squeeze and reluctantly breaks her hold. They just sit there looking at each other. Jane expects to find pity in Maura's eyes, but instead she simply finds love.

"I gotta go see Frost," she says, her voice hoarse from all the crying.

"I know," Maura says, simply.

Jane looks down and realizes they're still linked-by their hands. Suddenly disgusted with herself, she pulls her deformed hand away from Maura's beautiful one.

Maura looks shocked, than a little stung by the sudden action, but doesn't say anything or do anything. Just waits patiently for Jane to act.

"My hands are broken. So they break everything. Everything they touch," she mumbles, staring at the ground and clutching her hand to her chest.

Jane feels a finger on her chin, and suddenly she is face to face with those eyes.

"No they are not, Jane," Maura says, her voice stern and clear. "Do you hear me? Your hands are not broken, and _you _are not broken."

She reaches for Jane's hand. She flinches subconsciously, but that doesn't deter Maura who continues to take her hand back into her own palm. She smooths her thumb over Jane's horrible scar.

"I love your hands, Jane. They have never hurt me. Alright?"

Jane nods, feeling those stupid tears coming again. But this time they're tears of relief.

* * *

They hold hands as much as they can as they get ready. Maura drives back to the hospital and Jane sits in the front, their hands linked between their seats. Angela and Frankie sit in the back in silence. They had waited outside in the hallway until Jane and Maura finally came out ready to go. Jane had muttered her apologies, but Angela simply kissed her on the cheek and released her.

When they reach the hospital doors, Maura is sure that Jane will let go. But their hands are still linked, in fact Jane doubles her grip and Maura can't help, but smile. Hospitals aren't as bad when Jane's holding her hand. In fact, the whole world is noticeably better.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: So, I got way more support on this story than I expected. Wow, thank you so much. I really had planned this to be a one-shot, but I was encouraged to write more because of all the reviews and everything, and what do you know. My mind is going lots of places with this story. Not sure when it will end, but I already have a couple of sections planned. So, I hope you guys continue to enjoy it. Thanks again. **

* * *

**Chapter 2 **

Jane doesn't realize how much Maura is holding her together until she lets go of Maura's hand. She lets go because she wants to hold the door to Frost's room open for Maura, and then suddenly she can't breathe and it is like before—before Maura had held her and assured her. Before their hands were one.

For a split second, Jane feels like she may break yet again, but then Maura's soft palm is back in her rough one, soothing it, soothing her and she's safe once more.

Jane exhales loudly and her heart slows down.

"Jane?" Maura asks because she notices. She notices everything.

"Fine," Jane says, because it is the best she can do, as her eyes land on Frost who is not fine, who is far from fine, who is broken all because of her.

They both stand at the edge of the bed for awhile. Frost doesn't look better, but he doesn't look worse, and Jane holds onto this little consolation the way she holds onto Maura's hand—with a fierce grip, no intentions of letting go.

She goes to sit down in a hard metal chair and Maura follows. Jane clears her throat before she speaks, feeling strange, but she needs to do this, say this. She leans forward, focusing intently on Frost, and drawing strength from Maura, the connection between them.

"Frost, I—" Now she needs to clear her throat because she might cry and that's not going to happen again. Not right now. "I need you to pull through, buddy. I fucked up. It's on me. You're so strong. You can do this. I'm the one that sucks and you're the one that needs to live."

She pauses. Maura squeezes her hand tighter for encouragement. "I'd miss you too much. And you need to get well again so you can give me a hard time. And teach me all that computer mumbo jumbo you do."

She half smiles at this.

"And I'll be door-kicker, forever alright?" Jane's voice breaks again as she thinks about the last words they said to each other. "You don't have to do it ever again."

* * *

They've been sitting by Frost's bedside for hours. Jane is utterly exhausted, Maura can tell, despite her protests. Angela has been coming in the last few hours telling Jane she should sleep, even if it is just in the very chair she is sitting in, but Jane won't have it. She feels responsible so she has taken it on herself to be right there for Frost when he wakes up. Actually, it is still an "if" that he will wake up. But Maura has kept her technical mouth shut remarkably well.

Maura has been feeling all of the signs of her body that beckon her to sleep for quite awhile. Her body is aching all over for her to lie down and just sleep. But she knows she won't sleep until Jane does. Just as Jane won't leave Frost's side, she simply can't leave Jane's. They are still holding hands and every time Maura feels her eyelids drooping, her fingers begin to register Jane's heartbeat and she jolts awake.

Another doctor comes into look at Frost's charts. Frost's stats have been pretty much the same for the last seven hours. She raises her eyebrows at the doctor, expecting him to shake his head with no news, but instead he says, "he's improving" and Maura know he says this for Jane's benefit because she wouldn't understand the numbers. Maura grabs the chart from his hands to check the numbers because that is precise and this is what _she _understands.

"Wow, he's doing better," Maura says, squeezing Jane's hand for emphasis while studying the chart. She knows without looking up that Jane's huge brown eyes are staring at her intently, so eager to hear good news, _any _good news.

She lifts her head and smiles at Jane, trying to solidify what she is saying, assure her.

"I think he'll probably wake up soon. I really think he'll pull through, Jane."

But Maura bites her lip after she says these words because the hope and the joy in Jane's eyes are just too much. She could be wrong. It is just what she thinks from the information laid before her. She's been wrong about so many things before—like how best friends normally act. She thought she and Jane were the norm. She'd never had a best friend before, how was she supposed to know? But many pop culture references and research had informed Maura that her bond with Jane is stronger than typical friends to say the least. She has written this off as the intense situations they've been through together. But something in the back of Maura's brain nags her about this, as if wanting her to poke around, notice more.

Jane is still staring at her, as if she is the be all end all, she is everything important. But Maura feels like she is tricking Jane, she feels that she isn't enough.

And yet she manages to bite back the words "But I could be wrong," because more than anything she wants Jane to have that hope, that possibility to hold onto. It's really out of selfishness—when Jane looks defeated, Maura feels the same.

So, Maura just nods her head in assurance. Jane smiles, and her whole body noticeably relaxes somewhat. Suddenly, she looks even more tired if that were possible.

Maura takes Jane's hand in her left palm, switching her right hand out to rub Jane's back. She hopes this will settle her down. This has been the touch that has gotten Jane to sleep before, when the nightmares have been bad.

Sure enough, she feels Jane's muscles loosen, watches her head roll forward. Jane's beautiful black curls cover her face, but Maura still knows when she is closing her eyes, beginning to give into sleep. Maura slowly guides her down into her lap and Jane happily rests her head there, one hand grabbing at Maura's, still seeking something to hold.

Soon her breathing is coming slow and even, and Maura lets out a deep sigh of relief. Jane is so peaceful. She runs her fingers through Jane's tangled curls. She doesn't think she has ever cared so much about someone, loved someone as much as this before. This thought would usually scare her. Normal Maura would probably run bolting from the room. But Maura is so exhausted and a peaceful Jane in her arms is all she has needed after this harsh day. It is a deep release.

And she dreams.

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**Let me know what you think please**


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: So I decided to experiment a bit. I had a lot of fun with this section. Hope you like it! Btw you guys are awesome :) **

* * *

**Chapter 3**

Maura strokes her daughter's hair. She looks just like Jane for the most part—an unruly head of curls, long limbs. She also has a great amount of energy, and courage resides deep inside her. But her green eyes remind Maura of her own, and the way she's already gravitating towards books at the age of five is so much like she was as a child.

There is a thunderstorm. It's what has brought them to the couch. Maura had heard the little pattering of feet down the hallway, and even though her daughter wouldn't admit how scared she was, Maura knew. Just like how she knew when Jane was terrified. So she wrapped her little girl up in her arms and she spent a rare moment of relaxation with her daughter, reading her a storybook on the living room couch until she had fallen asleep.

Thunderstorms have never been scary to Maura. She finds them glorious in a way, as she thinks of all that has to line up in the atmosphere just right to create such a storm. She even finds them oddly comforting-the clapping of the thunder has always somehow made her feel less alone. She smiles as she looks at the beautiful treasure she holds in her arms. She hasn't felt alone in a long time.

And as if to confirm that fact Jane scrambles through the door, loudly shaking off her boots and wet coat. Maura rolls her eyes at the clamor, but she's too happy Jane is home to scold her. She hears her coming into the living room, then stopping. Now her footsteps come quieter. She has seen her daughter asleep on Maura's lap.

"My girls," she whispers through the dark, so sweetly.

"The thunderstorm," Maura whispers back.

Jane nods, not needing further explanation as to why her daughter is out of bed. She scoops her up to carry her back to bed, and Maura's heart melts a little at how gentle she is with her.

Maura walks to their bedroom to get ready for bed. She changes into the coolest pair of sleepwear she can find. It's so warm in this house. She snuggles into their bed, kicking off the sheets. She waits for Jane, content to watch the flashes of lightning outside her window.

Soon Jane is behind her, pressing up against her. Normally Maura would tell Jane to go change out of her wet clothes, but right now they feel so good—Maura is so hot. Maura grins as Jane wraps her arms around Maura's waist. She knows by the electricity coming from Jane's touch tonight that there is more to this than comfort. Sure enough, Jane is slowly pulling up Maura's shirt. Maura turns around and helps her.

Jane's eyes are sweeping over Maura's body, looking at her like she's the most beautiful creature in the world, and although she has done this many times before, Maura still can't help but blush. She still can't help but feel a little surprised, flattered. Maura knows she no longer looks how she used to. Her hips are wider and she has stretch marks from giving birth, but Jane runs her hand down Maura's waist with awe.

Maura arches into Jane's touch, the smooth circles she draws on her skin. Jane is kneading one breast as she kisses her way down Maura's stomach and Maura's skin feels like its on fire everywhere Jane's lips grace her.

She is wanting, needing Jane so badly, feeling the burning in her center, feeling her heart beat pounding.

Jane, Jane, Jane…

"Maur."

"Jane."

"Maura?"

Maura is staring into Jane's eyes, but they look concerned. She looks behind Jane at a white wall and curtains—like a hospital. She pulls herself up straighter, her head spinning in confusion.

Or maybe more than confusion, woah. She falls back down against the back of the chair, trying to get some air, and squeezing her eyes shut to stop the strange room from spinning. She feels a hand stroking her arm and a soothing voice.

"Maur, you're burning up. Wait here, I'm just going to get a doctor, alright?"

But Maura doesn't want Jane to leave. She needs Jane's stability, to hold her hand. As if to explain this, she squeezes Jane's hand hard as she shakes her head.

"Here, hold Frost's hand. It's okay."

And she feels a much colder, still hand in her own. Frost. _Frost. _With a jolt Maura remembers everything again. Frost had been shot, they had fallen asleep. Had all of that with Jane, their child—had that all been just a dream? But it had felt so amazingly real, more real than any dream Maura had ever had before. She can picture it more clearly than the recent events with Frost. She can still remember the way her little girl felt in her arms, those beautiful eyes. And Jane—the way she held her.

Suddenly, she can feel Jane back at her side. She has a doctor with her whose touches and words come to her as if from a distant universe.

"She does have a pretty high fever, but it's not high enough to worry about or keep her at the hospital. This probably has a lot to do with exhaustion. You two haven't been sleeping, haven't really been eating, she somehow picked up a cold, and by being this rundown already it's just taking its toll on her. Take her home, Jane. Cold medicine, fluids, keep an eye on her temperature. If it gets to be 104 or higher bring her back here."

Then he pauses, as if remembering the situation, Jane's constant time at Frost's bed. "Or tell this to whoever takes care of her."

But Maura feels Jane's hand squeeze her shoulder. "I'll take care of her. Can you get a wheelchair for me please and I'll get her home now."

Maura forces herself to open her eyes and grabs Jane's arm to get her attention.

"No, Jane. No," she manages to get out. "Stay here. It's Frost. Stay here."

But Jane kneels down to her eye level. She gives Maura a smile, but her eyes are determined and forceful.

"Maura, honey, I'm taking you home alright? You don't think I would make you bear my Ma, do you? Especially when you're this sick?"

"I'm not that sick Jane, I'm fine. Frost," Maura still protests, but the words melt away when Jane reaches out and tucks a strand of hair behind Maura's ear. She closes her eyes, and her whole body bends into the touch.

"There are so many people here for Frost. Nobody else has gotten a chance to sit in the chair by his bedside yet, and it's not fair," Jane tries to joke, but it falls flat.

Maura strains her eyes open again, shakes her head, trying to think past the pounding in her head.

"Maura, it's fine. You said he was coming out of the woods. Our family will be watching Frost around the clock and there's this thing called cell phones. I'm pretty sure I have one and everyone else does too."

Maura forces a smile because she knows how hard Jane is trying to lighten the situation.

"Come on, you need to get home," and before Maura can try to argue again, she feels Jane's strong arms lifting her up in the air and back down into the wheelchair. It felt like she had been flying for a second. Her rational mind must be completely gone.

"You're sure you don't need to keep her here?" Jane asks, and Maura can tell it's her I-mean-business tone. "She's not like super sick?"

"No, Jane, she'll be fine. She needs rest," the doctor says firmly, but gently. "And so do you."

At some point they must have gotten home because Maura wakes up with Jane carrying her up a set of stairs. She buries her face in Jane's shirt inhaling the scent of simply Jane, and immediately she falls unconscious again.

* * *

**I know this section was a little out of the ordinary...so tell me your thoughts! Thanks **


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: You guys are wonderful. I can't believe the great response I'm still getting from this. It's pushing me to write more in a story I really thought would be a one-shot. But I'm enjoying writing it more and more so thank you. Hope you guys like this next section! Let me know your thoughts. **

* * *

**Chapter Four**

There's no way Jane is sleeping. Her head falls hard against the pillow as if it has gotten too heavy for her to hold up anymore and her bones creak and an involuntary groan escapes her lips as she lies down next to Maura on her bed. But as exhausted as her body is, her mind won't let her rest. Everything's her fault, she is responsible. Her eyes will stay open, she will bear witness to everything she has caused, until she has fixed it all. She clutches her phone in her left hand, even glancing at it now and then, just making sure she hasn't missed a text or call about Frost. She doesn't like being away from his bedside, but there's no way she would let anyone else take care of Maura.

She's never seen Maura so sick—well, at least from an illness. She shakes the images that sprout in her mind of a gaping hole in Maura's leg and the wound from her kidney transplant. Jane had taken care of Maura in the weeks after the surgery so she had to see the wound over and over again, and sometimes when Maura fell asleep with her back pressed into Jane's chest (it seemed to be the only position she found comfortable for awhile after), Jane's fingers couldn't help but find the wound and trace it gently, memorizing just one more scar of Maura's that she had bared witness too. Maura always seemed to be getting hurt around her, even though Jane knew this particular scar wasn't her fault.

Jane turns over on her side trying to forget these thoughts and taking comfort in seeing Maura sleeping, hearing her breath sounds. But she frowns at how flushed Maura is. Jane gets up and turns Maura's ceiling fan on high speed, then gets a wet wash cloth and carefully dabs Maura's forehead. She smooths back Maura's damp hair with her free hand. Her cheeks are still bright red, but she looks a bit more comfortable and isn't moving in her sleep so much.

The only time she has seen Maura's face this color was at the beach last summer. Jane had taken Maura to the exact beach at Cape Cod her family visited when she was a kid. It was just the two of them and it couldn't have been a more perfect week. They were both unusually relaxed and had talked about everything and nothing. Jane had made Maura go in the ocean with her as much as possible, even physically dragging her in a few times. One day they spent too much time in the ocean and Maura didn't put her suntan lotion on every hour like she usually did. Jane could picture it now. Her face was sunburned, but she was grinning so much, and her eyes were so bright and Jane just didn't want the moment to end. So, they kept playing in the water, jumping the waves, and then one came and Maura wasn't ready. Maura wasn't ready and she tumbled and tumbled and Jane reached into the surf and found her. Her hand latched onto Maura's arm right away and she was pulling at Maura, getting her upright as fast as possible and pretty soon Maura was half in her arms and she was fine. She even laughed a little, as she brushed the sand out of her hair. But Jane couldn't stop shaking. She couldn't laugh off the situation at all. For a second, she had watched as the person she loved most was being swept off to sea. And that realization—that she loved Maura more than anything—hit her more forcefully than any wave could. Coming back to the present moment, with the memory still fresh in her mind, Jane grabs Maura's hand and holds on tight. She doesn't wrap her arms around her like she wants to, knowing how warm Maura is, but there is no way in hell she is letting her go.

* * *

It's so cold, maybe close to freezing. But Jane had insisted they go sleigh-riding—the three of them. Their daughter Ellie is so bundled up she can barely move. But that had been the deal. If they went sledding, Maura got to bundle Ellie up against the cold. Just as feisty as Jane, Ellie had pouted all through the layers upon layers Maura piled on her. But she also knew that when Maura said something was final, there really was no way of getting around it. Ellie now sits in front of Maura on the sled, sandwiched between her two mothers. She is quite tall for a seven-year old, with long limbs and equally long hair that Maura can't seem to convince her to cut. But Maura loves the unruly curls that remind her of Jane. She wouldn't want her daughter to tame or suppress anything about her wonderful self, and this includes her curls. She squeezes her arms tighter around Ellie's waist as Jane starts pushing them through the snow and over the edge of the hill.

Then the wind is whipping around them. Maura can barely make out anything they are going so fast. Her heart is racing, and she feels out of control, but she just lets herself go, enjoy it. She laughs, loving the rush it brings. The feeling is similar to what it's like loving Jane.

But suddenly she feels her body being thrown forward and she automatically works to fall back, not wanting to crush her daughter. The sled is spinning and they are just missing hitting a large dog. Jane must have tried to get around it and made too wide of a turn. Now they are heading towards some dark mass and Maura can already feel her body bracing for impact. Too late, she realizes it is a large oak tree. The sled slams into it, they are all thrown, Maura still holding onto Ellie. She hugs her midair, still squeezing her tight as they land in the snow.

"Ellie? Jane?" Maura is frantic. Her wrist is throbbing and her back aches a little but all she can think about are her daughter and wife, getting to them.

She breathes a sigh in relief as she feels her daughter squirm in her arms.

"Mommy?"

She thinks she could cry at the sound of that voice.

"Ellie, Ellie are you alright? Can you move for me, baby? Let me see you," and Ellie is turning towards Maura who does a quick assessment with her eyes. She seems to be fine except for a minor cut on her face, but it is an insufficient examination. This leaves Maura unsatisfied, but she needs to see Jane first. She quickly kisses her daughter's forehead in relief then looks around her, determined on finding Jane.

She sees a lump in the snow, not moving. Maura didn't think she could move so quickly, especially with an injured wrist and through such deep snow drifts. But she is at Jane's side in less than five seconds.

"Jane! Jane?" She cries.

She just wants her to answer her, needs her to. She notes Jane is breathing, then carefully and quickly feels for anything broken. Finding a definite break in the arm, she flips Jane over gently, pulling at her good side.

She cups Jane's face, running her fingers over her beautiful cheekbones, noting swelling on the right side and a big bump on her forehead—a probable concussion. And Jane appears to be unconscious.

"Jane? Jane, please open your eyes for me. Please."

Only when those chocolate brown eyes are staring up at her, does she feel like she's breathing again.

"Hi, sweet girl," she says, running a hand through her wife's hair.

"Maura, are you okay? Ellie? Is she—" Her eyes sweep around frantically.

"Yes, everyone's fine, it's alright, shh," Maura says, trying to calm Jane down who is now moving to sit up. "No, honey, you have to lie still for me. Can you tell me what hurts?"

But Jane won't stop saying Ellie's name, and their daughter comes right up to her Ma's side.

"Mama, are you okay?" And Maura's heart could break the way her daughter's eyes are filling with tears at the sight of Jane. She looks terrified. It is a rare sight to see her daughter cry.

Jane reaches up and catches a tear running down her daughter's face. "Hey, there, pumpkin. I'm fine, it's going to be okay."

Ellie doesn't seem to be so reassured by this.

"Oh, baby, you have a cut. Does it hurt?" And Maura can see that Jane is very distraught thinking she caused her daughter any injury. Maura squeezes Jane's hand, conveying to her silently that it's not her fault.

Ellie shakes her head, always her mother's daughter.

Everything hurts for Maura—her heart aches dreadfully. She looks back to Jane, who she can tell is falling out of consciousness.

"Ellie, sweetheart, listen to me. Can you call 911 on Mommy's phone? And see if you can wave anyone over here to help?"

Ellie gives her a determined nod and takes the phone from Maura, but her eyes hold fear. Maura gives her a small, reassuring smile and then Ellie turns and runs off as fast as she can.

Jane's eyes have again drifted shut.

Fear is crawling out of every crevice of Maura, as she holds her wife, willing her to hang on.

"Just stay with me, Jane. Stay with me. _I can't live without you. _Jane, please, stay with me."

"Maura?"

Maura feels joy, hope, at the sound of Jane's voice. She's speaking!

"Maura, I'm not going anywhere."

Now Jane is holding her and Maura feels warmth and light shoot through her chilled body.

"Everything is going to be okay, shh, Maura, shhhh."

It definitely would be as long as Jane kept holding Maura like that. She's fine enough to be doing this which means—wait, that doesn't make sense. Jane's arm is broken and both of her arms are wrapped around Maura.

Maura opens her eyes to a dark room. Her body aches in a different way, and she's just as cold as she was, but she's lying on a soft mattress.

"I'm right here, sweetheart. Right here," Jane whispers into her ear, pressing a kiss to the side of her head.

Maura snuggles closer to her, listening to Jane's heartbeat. This is all she wants, all she needs. And she falls back to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I didn't forget about this story. don't worry! **

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**Chapter 5 **

The clock in the living room chimes 6AM. That's good enough to qualify as morning for Jane. She's more than anxious to hear about Frost, and Maura's cries in the night for her to stay has made Jane think about how she hasn't been there for Frost. She didn't stay by his side, wasn't a good partner, until it was too late and he was on the floor.

Jane slowly loosens her hold on Maura. She gently pulls at Maura's arms which are wrapped tightly around her back. Maura shifts and then seems to frown, but stays sleeping. Jane feels immediately colder when out of Maura's arms. That can't be good.

She gingerly places her hand against Maura's forehead. It doesn't feel warmer than last night, but that could be just wishful thinking. Jane tucks a lock of hair behind Maura's ear, and then quietly pads out of the room.

In the living room, she plops down on the couch and calls Korsak. But it just goes straight to voicemail. She calls Frankie, but his does too. She leaves a rather frank message, but it's not a rude one considering he's her brother. She hangs up and double checks her phone. Definitely no new messages. Jane sighs, resigned to call her Ma. She doesn't pick up either. The doctor will be busy, so she decides to just wait to hear news. One of them should get back to her soon.

Jane gets up off the couch and paces around the living room. Despite being exhausted, she's unable to sit still when she's this stressed. Waiting is not something Jane is good at. Rubbing her scarred palms together, she glances around looking for a distraction.

Her eyes land on a picture of her and Maura, framed and on the mantel. They were at a fair. Jane had taken Maura when she told Jane she'd never been. Jane hadn't been able to wrap her head around the fact that Maura had never experienced the taste of funnel cake or rode on a Ferris wheel.

The picture was taken on the Ferris wheel, high up in the air. Maura is clinging tight to Jane (who had found out Maura's fear of heights that day). But Jane had insisted on taking a picture as evidence that Maura had rode her first Ferris wheel, and had snapped the shot of them. Despite Maura's nervousness, Jane had gotten her to laugh. In the picture, Maura has turned her head away from where it was buried against Jane's chest and towards the camera. She's in the middle of laughing. Jane is grinning, looking proud of herself. Jane looks longingly at the photo. She would give anything to be back on that Ferris wheel now, be living that same day over. She closes her eyes, picturing again the feel of Maura's hand in hers as Jae dragged her through the crowds. She thinks about the way Maura reached out to wipe the powdered sugar from the funnel cake off of Jane's mouth. Jane had swiped Maura on the nose with some sugar after, laughing mischievously. It had been so cute the way Maura had scrunched her nose in return. Jane smiles as she remembers the way Maura had jumped up and down when she had won some stupid arcade game with the help of her mathematics and probability. She had asked Jane which stuffed animal was her favorite and then had proudly given it to her. Jane still cradles it on nights that are particularly bad.

Jane now turns away from the picture, just wishing she could turn back time. She wouldn't be stupid if she could do it all over again. They wouldn't be here with Frost shot and Maura so sick.

Jane suddenly has an urge to see Maura and bolts back to her room. Maura's curled up on the bed, just where Jane left her. Of course she is. Jane shakes her head, catching her breath. Then she sits down gently on the edge of the bed.

Maura looks more peaceful than she did last night, which is good. That had scared her a little—the terror and desperation in Maura's voice and her grip on Jane. It must have been quite a nightmare. Jane hoped it wasn't nearly as bad as the ones she had where she found Maura dead somewhere. Or Maura called her for help and she couldn't get there in time to save her.

Maura stirs, grabbing Jane's hand with both of her own. Jane smiles at this. Maura opens her eyes the slightest bit, then closes them again, moaning.

"I don't feel well." Her voice comes as a strained whisper.

Jane reaches out and strokes her hair back. "I know, Maur. I'm sorry. But you'll feel better soon."

"I wish you didn't have to go to work. I want you here with me."

Jane is a little perplexed at this. "Sweetie, I'm staying right here. I'm not going anywhere. Even work, alright?"

She squeezes Maura's hand. Maura sighs wistfully.

"Jane, you have to. It's alright, I understand. Besides, Ellie has to get to school. Can you do me a favor and take her please?"

Jane does a double take. She doesn't know what to say. Who the hell is Ellie? Maybe a past friend of Maura's? Either way she's more worried now.

"Maur, nobody has to get to school," she says, carefully. "We just have to get you better."

"Jane, I told you before." Maura's eyes are half open, but she still manages to look stern, and she sounds a little annoyed. "There will be no playing hookie in this house. Don't let Ellie convince you she's sick too. You know how she likes to trick people. I wonder who she got_ that_ from."

Maura opens her eyes more and raises an eyebrow at Jane at this last statement. Then she closes her eyes as if that's the end of the conversation, and everything she has said makes complete sense.

Jane is utterly confused. And concerned. Maura's talking to her differently and like they have a…._child_ together. She can't wrap her brain around this and frankly, this is scaring her. Maura is talking utter nonsense, yet she seems so certain.

Jane has always been better at acting instead of just sitting there thinking.

Screw this.

She runs around the room gathering her stuff as fast as lightning, then picks up an unconscious Maura in her arms, rushing her out the door.

She's taking Maura to the hospital. Now.

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**Reviews are wonderful and I'm a little down since I just got back home from my vacation. **


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: So I got inspired during a strange, but interesting family weekend these past couple days. Apparently, my extended family likes to talk a lot about babies and giving birth. I also didn't have anything else to do in my free time. This is why this chapter is so long. I don't know if I should apologize for that though? lol I hope you guys enjoy it :) **

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**Chapter 6 **

Ellie is born on a Tuesday in July. It's a very hot day, and a very pregnant Jane can't stand the stifling heat even though Maura has put the air conditioning on high. So, they pack a picnic and head to the beach, hoping being near the ocean will be cooler—and calming.

Now, they sit, Jane facing the ocean, a smile playing on her lips as the breeze runs through her hair. Maura twirls Jane's locks around her finger, loving the dark hair that has become even more curly with Jane's pregnancy. Loving the physical intimacy between them that has become much greater ever since Jane became pregnant. Maura thought it might have gone the other way, but although Jane practically roared anytime someone from the station or at the supermarket tried to touch her stomach, she all but melted when Maura did so. And Maura reached out to all the time, wanting to feel the baby kick, wanting to feel Jane. God, she was so beautiful and alluring—more than ever before.

Jane leans back against Maura. The hand that isn't playing with Jane's curls is on her stomach, stroking it lightly. She brushes some of Jane's hair away from her neck so she'll be more cool and then plants a kiss there without thinking. They just sit and listen to the waves and everything is so peaceful.

Then Jane groans.

"What?"

"My back hurts a bit."

"Want to switch positions?"

Then Jane is trying to move forward so that she can shift to sit beside Maura on the blanket. Trying being the operative word. She has a hard time moving around with her belly which is now quite large. The baby is coming in less than two weeks and Maura can hardly contain her excitement. Neither of them had expected Jane to get so large during pregnancy though. It definitely wasn't twins…maybe the baby was just going to be big. That would be fine, as long as she was healthy.

Frustrated at her slow speed, Jane groans even louder—this time in frustration. Maura tries not to laugh. Jane leans heavily into Maura's side and sighs deeply.

"I'm a whale."

"You are not a whale, Jane. Hardly. You are beautiful, and I don't think I've ever seen a whale that looks the slightest bit cute."

Jane rolls her eyes. "Maura," her whiney tone is coming on full throttle now. Despite herself, Maura often finds it adorable. "I am _huge_. I can barely move." She glances around. "Everyone right now is thinking, wow, look at that enormous pregnant lady. God, she's about to blow!"

Now, Maura grabbed Jane's flailing hands. "Okay, stop Jane. Anyone who thinks that is a jerk. And blind. Because you are lovely. I have never seen you so gorgeous."

And it is true. Maura Isles can tell no lie. Jane on the beach—glowing from pregnancy, hair blowing freely, a round stomach containing Maura's unborn child—she is stunning. Getting Jane to believe it is another story.

She bends over and kisses the side of Jane's mouth that's bent in a frown. That does the trick just as she thought. Jane is now smiling.

"Stop, Maur."

"Oh, okay," Maura says, turning and sliding away from Jane so she is just out of her reach. She smirks in the other direction, knowing exactly what she's doing.

"No, Maura!" Jane clenches her fists. "You know what I meant. Stop saying things that aren't true, not stop kissing. Never stop kissing. Get over here."

But Jane can't reach her without putting a lot of effort into moving, so she just grabs at the air, and makes annoyed sounds. Maura tries not to giggle as she finally turns around, catching Jane's hand and crawling towards her.

She pushes Jane gently so that she's lying down on the blanket. She is able to maneuver herself so that she can kiss Jane, but it does take quite an effort with her pregnant belly in the middle of them. She gives Jane three kisses

"It could be a little easier to reach your lips…" she says, trailing off and glancing at Jane's stomach.

Jane rolls her eyes, then shrugs her shoulders, looking down at herself, helplessly. "See, told you! Whale!"

Maura smiles, licking her lips. She's having too much fun to stop just yet. It's a little too easy finding things that annoy Jane lately so she almost feels bad. Almost. Teasing has been quite beneficial to their sex life lately, so Maura dives in again.

"Well, maybe if you didn't eat the whole pack of cookies in the drawer last night—"

Jane scuffs at this just like Maura knew she would. "Hey, I did not eat all of them! If I remember correctly I had some help!"

She pokes Maura in the side and Maura can't help but squeal, then tickle Jane as a sort of pay back. Pregnant Jane is hilariously ticklish. She absolutely hates it. Maura can't stop doing it.

"Maura!" She yells through fits of laughter.

Maura just laughs too, tickles her more.

"Maura, please stop!" Jane falls to the side and curls into herself and that's when Maura halts, hands drawing back right away. Jane never has done that before. Maura's hands automatically find Jane's stomach, feeling, as if she can detect anything abnormal.

"Jane? What's wrong?"

Jane turns to look at her and gives Maura a smile, knowing how worried she is just by her face. "Nothing, just a little shoot of pain that's all. It's gone."

This doesn't placate Maura's worries. She furrows her brow. "Well, where?" She's now rubbing soothing circles on Jane's stomach.

Jane just shakes her head. "It's nothing, Maura. Don't worry. That feels good, just keep doing that."

She closes her eyes and breathes in and out deeply. Maura thinks she must still feel some pain, but then Jane opens her eyes, forces a grin, and holds her hands palms up. Maura takes them right away.

"Maura, I'm fine." Each word is enunciated a little bit. "If I remember correctly, you were reminding me how much of a whale I am after not too long ago reassuring me that I wasn't?"

Maura almost laughs. "You are not a whale, Jane. You have eaten a lot during your pregnancy, yes, but that's normal. And most of what you ate was healthy."

"Yeah, very healthy. Unfortunately, " Jane muttered.

"This baby is probably just going to be on the larger side, that's all. But I bet she'll be beautiful like her Mama."

Jane smiles, staring into Maura's eyes. "Well, I hope you transmit some of those big brains of yours. Through osmosis?" She raises the question, hopefully.

Maura just laughs. "Jane, you're smart as well."

Jane shakes her head, then starts to push herself up. Maura immediately grabs hold of her arms and supports most of her weight as Jane gets in a sitting position. Jane then leans back on her palms, staring at the ocean. Maura turns to sit beside her, looking out at the water too. They sit like this for awhile, and Maura's heart beat has almost calmed back to normal, it is so peaceful.

"Water," Jane, says softly, almost like a question.

Maura laughs a little. "Okay, maybe not that smart….Jane do you think if you can barely sit up on your own, that it's a good idea for you to just head into the ocean? It will probably knock you over right on your—"

She turns to Jane as she says this, and all she needs is to see Jane for everything to stop. Her face is expressionless, but her eyes are full of fear. She automatically reaches out to wrap Jane up, shield her from the world—one arm around her back, one over her stomach. She goes to ask what, why, what's wrong, but Jane speaks before she can, her voice halting and dry.

"No. Maura, I—I think my water just broke."

There are no words that could make Maura break into action faster. She's already up on her feet gathering up the food and throwing it into the cooler.

"Scooch," she barely gets out the order before she's impatiently dragging Jane off the blanket onto the sand. She doesn't stop to wonder at the strength she has to do this. Maura pats Jane's knee and then just as quickly is folding up the blanket.

She finishes gathering the things, slings them over her shoulders like she's in a race, then comes over and yanks Jane up by the armpits, slinging one arm around her waist as she propels them through the sand towards the parking lot.

She hasn't even had a chance to look at Jane's face, measure her reactions, her sole purpose is getting her off the beach (which would be an absolute terrible, unsanitary place to have a baby) and to the hospital. They are over the dunes and almost to the car when Jane suddenly halts. She bends down, placing her hands on her knees and Maura wonders how that is even possible.

Maura throws the bags to the ground, crouching in front of Jane. She lifts Jane's head up gently so she'll look at her.

"How bad are they, honey?"

"Not bad," Jane gets out, but her voice sounds strained and says differently.

And it's now when Maura starts to mentally calculate when her daughter should be born, how off from the due date they are. Because this baby is early, it's just a matter of how early. She mentally ticks of days and weeks. Then sighs in relief. She'll be in the normal range.

"Jane, look at me."

Jane lifts her eyes off from the ground, breathing in deeply and then wincing. She is scared, Maura can tell. In pain and terrified. Because she's also thinking about how early this is, maybe there's something wrong…

But Maura has to go with her reasoning that there isn't. This baby is just coming because she has decided it's time. And they're going to have to accommodate that.

"Our baby is just fine, okay? It's early, but she's not too early."

"But her date is supposed to be—"  
"I know," Maura cuts her off, wanting to ease Jane's mind as fast as possible. "But she is _not _premature."

Jane looks more hopeful now and she lifts one of the hands on her knees to grasp onto Maura's hand.

"You swear," she whispers.

"Yes, Jane. I did the math."

And Jane looks appreciative and relieved and Maura can tell she completely believes her. That full trust makes her tear up a little. Then she takes a breath to steady herself before helping Jane.

"Alright, listen, we are going to get you in the car and we're going right to the hospital and we're going to have this baby and everything's going to be absolutely fine."

Jane takes in Maura's reassuring words and eyes and nods, seemingly finding enough strength to pull herself up to a standing position.

"Okay."

"Okay," Maura says, wrapping her arm around Jane's waist again and deciding to just leave the cooler and chairs behind in the sand. She wants to focus solely on Jane right now.

"Should we call an ambulance?" Jane asks in an uncertain voice as they make their way to the car. "Do you think we'll get there fast enough?"

Part of Maura does worry about the four o'clock traffic, but she doesn't think it will be that bad. And she feels the need to be in control right now. She doesn't know how'd she be able to wait around for an ambulance, and then hand over the reigns to strangers. She wants to be able to do this and just get Jane to the hospital—it's her main focus. And she is a good enough wife, a good enough mother to do so.

So, she reassures Jane that yes, this will be better, as she helps her sit down in the back seat.

"I think you'll be more comfortable back here, okay? This way you can reposition yourself when the contractions get worse. You have the whole back seat."

She hurriedly stretches the buckle as far as it will go over Jane's belly and finally is able to snap it in, then hops into the driver's seat. She looks back at Jane and can see right away she's thoroughly lost, confused, and scared and completely not herself. Without the harsh pains of the contractions she just sits there, really thinking about what is occurring. Maura turns around in her seat and takes Jane's hand, squeezing it hard.

"It will be fine, sweet girl. Everything's going to be alright. We're going to have a beautiful, healthy baby," she makes sure to keep her voice soothing, even though she's quite scared and nervous herself.

Jane's face scrunches into pain as another contraction rolls through her. "Ooof," she groans.

This one has taken her off guard. She had been increasingly getting calmer from Maura's words. But that was all out the door now.

Jane's first reaction is to pull away from Maura, put both of her hands on her stomach, grin and bear the pain by herself, but Maura won't let her. She is here now. She knows Jane has handled a lot of pain on her own throughout her life, but now she has a wife and she would always be there. So, she doesn't let Jane's hand go.

"Jane, honey, I'm right here. Even when I'm driving, okay? Squeeze my hand when the pain gets bad. Hold it so hard it falls off for all I care."

Jane chokes out a laugh at this, grips Maura's fingers tighter.

"Just hold on. Because I'm right here. You're not alone."

Jane makes a noise that she isn't sure is laughing or crying, but it's time for Maura to get her wife and child to the hospital. It was time twenty minutes ago. Where they are makes her nervous, and so do Jane's contractions that are coming fast and getting increasingly worse.

She starts the car, hits the gas, and they're going at a decent pace when suddenly they hit a huge block—bumper to bumper traffic. Maura slams her hand against the wheel in frustration, letting fall a couple of curse words—an uncharacteristic move. But she has never been more stressed, more nervous in her life. And this was a bad decision.

She hadn't taken into account the fact that it was Friday—beach traffic for the weekend mixing with rush hour. Jane's whimper coming from the back seat only makes her feel worse about the situation. She takes a breath than faces Jane. One look at Jane—hair strewn and sticking to her forehead soaked with sweat, her eyes scrunched shut, biting her lip—and she knows she's going to break the law for one of the very first times in her life.

"Hang on, baby!" she shouts at Jane, as she steps on the gas and whips around a few cars with great intensity and care, then starts flying up the shoulder.

"Jesus, Maura!" Jane cries from the backseat.

They are surrounded by honks, but Maura keeps on speeding up the parkway until Jane starts yelling in pain and her automatic response is to want to run to Jane, be with her. But she also feels a pull towards the hospital, getting her safe and the baby out.

Jane screams again and it's no longer a choice. Thankfully, there is an exit nearby and Maura takes it as a reassuring sign. She swings off the parkway, down the exit and pulls over into the first parking lot she can find. An old diner.

There's a car someone is getting out of two parking spaces away and she shouts at them.

"Call 9-1-1! My wife is in labor! Tell an ambulance to get here, NOW!" She sees the startled woman nod once and frantically pull out her cell.

Meanwhile, Maura runs to the back seat and throws open the door. Jane has undone her seatbelt since they parked. She's now curled up against herself and the window. Her head is thrown back in pain, and she howls.

It's all Maura can do to not cry. She's never seen Jane in so much pain. But instead she reaches out touching any part of Jane she can get to.

"Okay, Jane, listen to me." She smoothes Jane's cheek and Jane turns her head towards Maura, opens her eyes. "There's my sweet girl." She gives Jane the best smile she can manage right now, trying to keep her voice soft. Jane's breathing has slowed a bit.

"Spread your legs out this way, okay?" she says, gently moving Jane's legs towards her across the seat. Then she turns Jane so her back is now against the car door. "Good, feel a little better?"

Jane breathes in and nods, then grabs Maura's hands to hold onto as she rides out the rest of the contraction.

"Breathe, baby," she says, rubbing her thumbs over the back of Jane's hands and demonstrating the breathing they had learned in their lamaze classes Maura had made Jane go to. She was glad she had.

Jane mimics her and her face is a little less purple.

"Okay, Jane, I'm just going to move around the other side. I'm going to come behind you, alright?

Jane looks uncertain and squeezes Maura's hands even tighter.

"Honey, it's okay, one second, just one second." She quickly kisses one of Jane's hands than bolts out the door of the car. As she's running around to the other side she screams at the poor bystander. "Did you call 911?"

"Yeah, they're coming! They said they'd be here as soon as possible."

Maura grits her teeth as she refrains herself from opening the door on Jane's side. She wants to get to her, but she doesn't want her to hear this whole conversation, nervous it will freak her out. She runs over to the woman.

"How long? Did they say?"

She looks a little wary, scared of Maura. "Uh, ten to fifteen minutes?"

Maura huffs already running back to the car.

"Just because of the traffic!" she calls out apologetically, as if it's her fault.

When really everything is Maura's fault. She should have called that ambulance awhile ago. She should have been more prepared when she took Jane to the beach today. Should've, could've, would've. Maura slaps her hand across her forehead, rubs her eyes. Enough of that.

She props Jane up as she falls into place behind her. This is where she needs to be. And she needs to stay calm for the both of them. The contraction seems to be subsiding.

She rubs Jane's shoulders and down her arms. Jane leans heavily back into Maura's chest, sighing.

"Better?"

"Yeah," Jane sighs. Then she tries to turn around to face Maura.

"What, honey?"

"Maura, I—I really don't want to have this baby in the backseat of a car."

On the last words her voice breaks a little.

Maura can't allow herself to cry right now, so she let's out a little laugh.

"Oh, Jane," she presses a couple of kisses to Jane's head. "We wont have her in the car, okay?"

"But my contractions are getting closer together aren't they? This is _so_ fast! I could have her soon, Maur and I'm not—I'm not ready." She buries her face into Maura's shoulder.

Maura rubs Jane's arm soothingly.

"Honey, I'm right here. We're doing this together. We're ready. An ambulance is coming, okay?"

She kisses Jane's cheek, smoothing back Jane's hair from her face.

"And this baby will come and we will love her and she will beautiful and everything is going to be absolutely fine."

Maura talks on and on like this as they wait for the ambulance —about the baby room they have made, the months and months they have hoped and prepared for a baby. Jane has a few more contractions, but the breathing patterns and having Maura right there with her seems to help.

But the ambulance takes more than a half hour to arrive. To Maura, it feels like five hours so she can't even imagine what it feels like for Jane. Maura has to let go of Jane's hand for a little as they figure out how to get Jane on the stretcher in the ambulance. She's right behind Jane, but it's enough time for Jane to get hit with another contraction—much worse than all the ones before it and she clenches her fists together, crying out.

"Maura!"

Hearing Jane call her name like that gives Maura more adrenaline than she needs to hop into the ambulance and sit right by her head, by her side.

"I'm here. It's alright, Jane. Shhh, sweet girl, I'm right here."

She tries to hold Jane as close as possible, to help her breathe through it.

The cursing starts on the ride to the hospital. Maura had been waiting for it to come.

Even the ambulance with its sirens could barely get through traffic so they are hardly moving. They've been riding for twenty minutes and still aren't very near the hospital according to the paramedic. This is when Maura starts to worry that they won't be making it to the hospital before this baby comes out.

"Epidural?" She asks the paramedic.

"I think she's past the dilation point to be honest."

Maura stares at him hard.

"We're not going to be able to do it ma'am."

She hopes Jane hasn't heard, that she is so caught up in the moment she's not thinking too much about logistics, but of course she's thinking about what will give her less pain.

"Epidural?" she asks Maura hopefully, probably only having heard the first part of the conversation. "Well, we can get that at the hospital right?"

Maura sighs. "They don't think you can have it anymore, Jane. It's too late."

If looks could kill. Maura is just glad it's not directed at her.

"Are you fucking kidding me," Jane growls, as another contraction hits her and she gasps for breath, her voice rising even higher at the end of the sentence. "Do it now!"

The paramedics look scared, and back away, trying to make themselves look busy. It would be kind of funny if Jane wasn't in so much pain.

Maura rubs her shoulder, but doesn't think Jane is really registering comforting touches right now when the pain is so intense. "They can't, baby, they can't," she says, sympathetically.

Jane looks like she's about to cry and that sobers Maura up. She moves in front of Jane and places one hand on Jane's stomach and one on her shoulder.

"Hey, listen to me, Jane. We can do this. It's you and me. You're not in this alone." She holds Jane's gaze intently, until Jane nods a little. "You and me, honey. You don't need the epidural. Out of all the people I know, you are the one who can make it without it. You are so strong. You've been through so much and you just have to think about how the pain you're going through this time is actually going to be worth something. It is going to end with something beautiful."

She kisses away the tear that rolls down Jane's cheek. "Alright?"

Jane squeezes her hand. "Yeah," she says, sounding stronger than ever.

Ellie comes out screaming thirty minutes later. Fists flying, she makes her first appearance fighting her way into the world. A fighter—just like her mother.

They never make it out of the ambulance. Maura sits behind Jane, soothing her and encouraging her, as the paramedic delivers their baby. There are a lot of f-bombs dropped and calling out to God. Maybe it works because there are no complications. They hand Ellie to Jane almost straight away.

Maura knows instantly that she's in the normal size range. She does a sweep of her daughter head to toe just to make sure everything is normal, and only then does she allow herself to really pay attention to the way her heart is swelling.

Well, there's nothing about her child that is exactly "normal". She's above average, outstanding, perfect really, from the moment Maura lays eyes on her.

She has a dark, curly set of hair already, and intense eyes, a similar color to her own. Jane holds her daughter close, unable to take her eyes off of her. Maura can't stop gawking at the baby either. She reaches out a finger to softly stroke her cheek.

"We did it, Maura. Look what we did. Look how—" Jane can't manage to get the words out.

"She's gorgeous, Jane," Maura says, crying herself. She kisses Jane's head for the thousandth time. But then Jane finally tears her eyes away from Ellie to look up at Maura. Then she leans up and kisses her and it is the sweetest one they've had yet because it's full of joy, such joy. And gratitude. The taste of a life that is loved and cherished.

"She's perfect," Jane whispers, looking back at their baby again.

* * *

"It's alright, Jane," Maura mutters from the seat next to her, eyes shut, still appearing asleep. She looks concerned, worried. Just like Jane feels.

But a mumbling Maura is better than a completely unconscious Maura. At least, that's what she tells herself, because these hallucinations that Maura seems to be having are scary as shit. She takes a deep breath, telling herself they will figure it all out at the hospital. She just needs to get her there.

"Everything's going to be fine, I'm right here, Jane." Maura mumbles and then shifts, stretching her hand out on the seat towards Jane.

Jane can't help but grab hold of it, blinking back a few stupid tears. This is what happens when two of your family members are sick and everything is your fault and you haven't slept in what feels like years. She shakes her head to clear the tears, angry about crying.

But she draws soft circles in Maura's palm, taking comfort in this. "Yea, it'll be okay, Maur. We'll figure this out. And I'm not going anywhere."

Maura squeezes her hand, like she understands.

* * *

**So how do you feel about the long baby scene? Like it? Don't love it?**

**I wasn't sure about it, but it was honestly kind of fun to write lol. **

**Oh, also, I know it's different to have Jane be the one who has the baby instead of Maura. But it's always kind of been a thing in my head. And I planned an explanation I'll probably go into later.**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Hey everyone. So I took a little break from this story. I thought it might be somewhat hard in the wake of Lee's death for people to read about Frost being so injured, so I'm trying to figure out where to go from here. But if there's still support for this story, I'd like to know, and I'd definitely be willing to continue it. **

**This chapter is short, (revolving solely around Maura and Jane) but I hope everyone enjoys it! **

* * *

They get a flat tire. One second they're traveling along smoothly, the next Jane is fighting to stay on the road. She pulls over, trying to take deep breaths because she knows how to change a car tire. She always has spares, it's going to be fine. But as soon as she looks at Maura to check on her, all that reasoning fades away. Maura looks worse. Her hand lies limply on the seat, she is no longer tossing and turning-or moving at all for that matter.

Then Jane does something that's very uncharacteristic for her, but she's just so tired and this is Maura. _This is Maura._

She panics. She thinks of all the worse case scenarios. What if she's completely unconscious now, maybe in some kind of coma? Oh god, what if something is seriously wrong with her and they can't fix her and why the hell didn't she call an ambulance instead of being so controlling and stubborn and just driving Maura herself.

Jane rushes over to Maura's side of the car without even thinking, as she dials 911 for an ambulance. She's not going to waste time changing a tire while Maura could possibly be…she didn't want to think about it. She couldn't handle a world without Maura.

Someone picks up and she tells them words she doesn't register. The only thing she remembers is "Hurry". She keeps telling them to hurry. Her throat is all clogged, and thick and hard to push words past and she knows it's because she is going to cry any second. The tears are coming, they are coming from some deep place in her chest that aches and aches and she just wants it all to stop. She hates this night, this place. She wants a different time.

She wants Maura awake next to her—laughing, touching her arm. If she could just feel Maura's caress right now, Jane would melt. In the seconds after she hangs up the phone and bends over to check Maura out, many images flash before Jane's eyes—all things she wishes would be happening instead of being stranded on the side of the road, unable to reach a hospital where her one friend lies and another needs to get to.

Jane kneels down on the pavement grasping onto Maura's arm as she's overpowered by the images in her mind's eye.

Maura lying next to Jane in bed, holding her hand and chasing the nightmares away. Maura jogging in front of Jane, turning around to smile back at her and encourage her on. Maura doing an autopsy, serious, her brow furrowed. Maura sipping wine and laughing at something Jane said, her eyes alight. Maura in a stunning cocktail dress, slipping her arm through Jane's as they walk into a room like...like a couple. _What. _

Maura cooking her breakfast in the morning, talking with her over coffee, all of Jane's bad dreams and memories melting away._ Safety._

Maura is safety.

And warmth—a vague memory of lying with her head on Maura's chest. It must be from after Jane shot herself.

And love—Maura kissing her forehead, her cheek. She doesn't recall where this was at all. Oh, wait. This was on the way to the hospital, after she shot herself. On the day of blood. Why hadn't she remembered this until now? God, it was so sweet. The touch of Maura's lips to her skin was like….she couldn't describe it, but it had felt better than anything. Now she remembers that she had been fading and fast, everything grey and blurry, when she had felt Maura's kiss. And then everything was brighter again and she held on. She held on to Maura's hand and didn't let go until they wheeled her off to surgery.

Now, Jane feels a strong urge to do the same for Maura, do what she had once done for Jane. She hopes it will work the same miracle, though she doesn't see how she will have that same effect on Maura.

The tears come to the surface now. It's all she can think of to do, so she leans forward and presses her lips to Maura's forehead. It's very warm, and Jane can't tell if she feels like her lips are burning because of how feverish Maura is or because her lips have met Maura's skin. She can't help herself, and plants another kiss just below Maura's eye.

At this, Maura breathes in and seems to almost sigh. It's shallow, but it's there and Jane's heart pumps a little faster. Dare she hope that this is working? She strokes Maura's hair back. She's thinking of days spent with Maura, years, a whole lifetime. Images of a life with Maura run through her head—similar to now, but with more touching and loving and… at first, Jane draws back from Maura, stunned as she sees them kiss each other in her mind's eye. But she becomes aware of a pull towards Maura like a comet drawn to the earth by its gravitational pull, getting closer and closer, afraid to break that boundary, but knowing it will be amazing.

She kisses Maura softly, gently, but it feels like falling, like tumbling faster and faster towards earth, burning bright, brighter than ever before—sizzling, on fire.

And before she knows it, Jane is staring right into those eyes she would give anything to see awake and open again. And there they are. Those beautiful, ever-changing eyes.

"Jane," Maura breathes, and Jane can only nod, grinning and smoothing Maura's hair back.

Maura closes her eyes, seemingly leaning into the touch.

"Do that again," she whispers, and Jane can't help but laugh with relief.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Wow, thank you so much for the support for this story. Okay, so I had this idea stuck in my head. More crazy future stuff. Shall we?**

**Oh btw trigger warning for sexual assault. There's only mention of it, but just a heads up. **

* * *

**Chapter 8 **

It's after midnight and her daughter's not in her bed. Maura knows she is at a friend's house but for some reason, she's worried. She pretends to scan the pages of the medical journal in front of her, but the knowledge that her daughter isn't in the bedroom over, that she is out somewhere this late at night, is nagging at her. She shifts for the fifth time in ten minutes, and Jane notices. Of course she does, Maura hardly fidgets.

Jane places a hand on Maura's thigh. "Maura, what's bothering you?"

Maura sighs, but simply shakes her head. She can feel Jane continue to stare at her though, trying to analyze, so she gives in and lays her head on Jane's shoulder, letting go.

"Ellie. I'm worried."

Jane reaches out and rubs Maura's back. Immediately, Maura feels more relaxed. "Why, sweetheart?"

Maura looks at the clock as if that will explain it.

"It's late, Jane and she's not home. I know this sounds stupid, but I feel uncomfortable. I feel like something isn't right. I can't help thinking about what could happen."

Maura could tell Jane was trying to suppress her knee-jerk reaction to tease. This wasn't the time.

"Maur, she's just at her friend's house. She's had sleepovers before, and she's fourteen. This isn't a big deal."

"I know," Maura said, shaking her head. "Just something feels different tonight, like I should be with her. Like she needs us."

That stops Jane's soothing motions on her back for a second. "Is it a specific feeling?"

Maura knows Jane is taking her seriously. She is one to believe in intuition, her "gut" as she called it. Maura's not sure of anything on that subject, except ever since she had a child she has come to most certainly believe in a mother's intuition.

"Not really," she sighs. "I just don't feel…right."

Jane nods. "Okay, well, wanna call her?"

Maura only ponders for a second how her daughter might get annoyed or alarmed if she calls her after midnight, before reaching for the phone sitting next to her bed. This makes her think about her cell, which she has left in her purse. And for some reason that makes her very uncomfortable.

She's running out of the room before she knows it.

"What—Maur!"

"Grabbing my cell!" she calls over her shoulder.

She finds her purse in the living room and pulls her phone out and sees three missed calls from Ellie. Her stomach drops. She hits redial, playing with the necklace Ellie gave her for her birthday as she paces back and forth.

"Mommy?" Her daughter sounds scared, anxious, in way over her head, and it sends chills through Maura.

"Ellie? What's wrong, baby?" Maura asks urgently.

She can't help but see a five-year old Ellie in her mind's eye. She had fallen on the driveway while playing basketball with her cousin TJ and she had come into the kitchen calling for Maura just like that, arms stretched out for an embrace, tears in her eyes. Looking for Maura to make it all better. Ellie's still her little girl.

"Can you come get me, please?" Her voice rises very high on the word please.

"At Carrie's? Why?"

"Not Carrie's. I—"

"Where are you, honey, where are you?" Maura's starting to panic now.

Ellie gives her the address and with a shaky hand Maura jots it down on a piece of paper, then rushes to grab her jacket.

"Ellie, what's going on, are you alright?"'

"Yeah." Maura can hear her sniff a little and this makes her run up the stairs for Jane. Her daughter doesn't cry.

"Can you just hurry and pick me up? I just want to get out of here."

"Okay, baby, okay, we'll be there as soon as we can." She is pulling a very confused Jane by the arm.

"Mom, can you just come? You don't have to tell Ma."

Maura stops in her tracks, turning to look at Jane.

"What's going on, Ellie. Why don't you want Ma?"

Jane does a double-take. She is very close to Ellie. They are so similar, and while this does cause them to butt heads sometimes, Ellie is very open with Jane. She talks to Maura about things, but Maura is sure she talks to Jane more. This doesn't really bother Maura much, but she cherishes any time she has with her daughter, any reassurance she gives her that she is in fact a good mother, something Maura wasn't sure she would be.

Her daughter is quiet for a moment.

"I just don't want her to come."

Maura doesn't know what to think, but something tells her she should bring Jane. There is something very wrong.

"Ellie, just hang on. I'll be there in a bit." Not a lie.

It takes them too long to get there. Jane is speeding in her cruiser, lights flashing, something she would never do unless it came to an emergency—or her child. But the seconds seem to drag by. Maura has Ellie on the phone with her still. She tells her about any facts she can think of: how hot air balloons worked and the way a chameleon changed color. When Ellie was younger, this is how Maura used to calm her down if she was ever upset or having an off day. Ellie took comfort in facts. In this way, she was like Maura.

"Ellie?"

Maura glances down at the GPS. They're almost to the place, but Ellie hasn't spoken in awhile and Maura craves to hear her voice, reassure herself she's okay.

"Lee? Be there soon. Okay, honey?"

Jane looks over at the desperation in Maura's voice, eyebrows furrowed.

"She still there?"

But then Ellie talks, and Maura holds up her hand to Jane, pressing the phone harder to her ear to listen.

"Your voice, Mom. It calms me down. Or something. Just keep talking okay?"

Maura can't help but smile a little. She didn't know that was part of the reason Ellie liked when she listed facts—her voice. Maura talks the whole drive there.

And then. She sees her daughter standing alone on a sidewalk in a short dress Maura has never seen before. A short, torn dress. Maura feels her heart speed up as she runs out of the car, feeling Jane sprint past her.

Ellie stands under a streetlight, so Maura is able to watch her daughter's face change as she spots Jane. She's horrified. But more importantly, Maura sees that Ellie is bleeding, her lip bruised and cut. Dress torn, eyes wide, she has red marks on her arm. It's possible…it's possible she was…

Maura can't even think it. But Jane running towards Ellie makes her have to right this second.

"Jane, stop!"

Jane comes to a grinding halt three feet from Ellie. She whips towards Maura, in utter surprise, but Maura just holds out her hand and knows Jane will wait. Despite how much she wants to see her daughter, she will listen to Maura because she trusts her. Turning back to Ellie, Maura tries to make her voice more stable, calm. But she feels like she might throw up.

"Ellie. Sweetheart, did somebody hurt you?"

Ellie nods.

Maura is thinking the worst. Of someone taking from her daughter what is not theirs. She thinks of evidence and that is the only thing that grounds her to the spot. Otherwise, she'd have her daughter wrapped in her arms right now, just like Jane would. But she's thinking about how she has to preserve evidence. They can't contaminate it, even though she wants to run her fingers through her daughter's hair, press a kiss to her injuries to make it all better.

Evidence.

"How? Did they touch you, baby girl?" She doesn't know how to get these words out. She reaches out a hand towards Ellie, but doesn't dare make the contact she so desperately wants to. "Did they…sexual assault you?"

Ellie looks wide-eyed and horrified and Jane gives a little whimper of shock and fear and anguish and that almost breaks Maura's heart as much as the telling ripping of her daughter's dress.

But then those sweet beautiful words come.

"No, Mommy! No, no, no. Oh, Mommy, no."

And Maura's sure. She knows her daughter and her face and Ellie's telling her the truth. Maura's knees buckle and she almost doesn't make it, but she's able to reach her daughter, fall into her arms. Jane is there to catch Maura's elbow, so not all of her weight is on Ellie, which is good because Ellie stumbles back as it is.

Maura holds her daughter tight and breathes her in, trying to calm her racing heart, to hold in the sobs that threaten to escape. And that's when Maura realizes why Ellie stumbled. She's been drinking. The bitter-sweet scent of alcohol is all over her.

She pulls back from her daughter to look at her.

"What, Mom?"

Her make-up is running and she looks genuinely upset, but when Ellie speaks Maura notices how she slurs. She doesn't know why she didn't notice before. Probably because she never considered it a possibility that her fourteen your old daughter would drink, would get drunk.

She can't help the anger boiling up inside of her. It's fueled by concern and all of the emotions that have been brought to the surface by the disheveled sight of her daughter.

"You've been drinking," Maura's voice is low, bitter.

Jane has been rubbing Ellie's back, but now she pulls her hand away as if she's been burned, and leans into peer in Ellie's face.

"Oh my god, Ellie. You're drunk."

Jane doesn't even ask it as a question, she just knows.

It's amazing how quickly Jane suddenly changes completely, her sweet eyes and the way her eyebrows furrow in motherly concern all fading away. Her jaw is set and hard and her eyes have become fiery. Her back is rigid. Maura hasn't seen her this pissed in a long time.

"Ellie Rosa Rizzoli-Isles. You tell me WHAT the hell you've been doing. Right _now_," Jane roars, jabbing an angry finger at the ground.

Ellie looks like a deer caught in the headlights and stammers for a minute. She's seen her mother lose her temper plenty of times, but never to this extent. No. This is the kind of anger Jane lets out when she is appalled, and hurt, and loves someone so much it strikes her to the core. When she doesn't know any other way but to spill all of her emotions into anger. Maura has only witnessed it a handful of times. She shivers. Part of her wants to protect Ellie. She's still been injured after all. But Maura is angry, betrayed, and hurt as well. And she wants answers.

"I—um, I was at Carrie's. I went there for a sleepover, I swear. I didn't know Carrie was planning on going to a party, I didn't, okay? Really."

"Oh, and so you just brought a dress along to the sleepover?" Jane asks, her sarcasm particularly harsh.

Ellie looks down as if she doesn't know what she's talking about. "Oh, Carrie let me borrow this."

Maura thinks that actually makes sense. Ellie is tall like Jane, and towers over a lot of her friends so Carrie's dress would look like this on her—way too short.

Ellie pointedly looks at Maura, scared to face her Ma. "Carrie said that she got invited to this party. By seniors. Seniors, Mom. The guys on the _football team. _I mean, you know how it is…I couldn't pass this up! I couldn't just say no."

When she says this, she practically pleads, willing Maura to understand. Thinking she'd know all too well. Someone who isn't considered "cool" in school being invited to something with the most popular kids is unheard of and therefore hard to dismiss. Maura had been a geek, so she should know right? Just the implication behind her daughter's words makes Maura flush, even more hurt.

Jane breaks in. "Yes, Ellie, that's exactly what you say. No, Carrie we are fourteen. We are staying where we are supposed to. We will not be drinking and walking into a place with horny boys who are four years older than us and—"

"Jane," Maura cut her off, trying to reign her in a little.

"But he said he liked me!" Ellie suddenly burst out with a cry.

They both stare at her stunned. Maura looks at Ellie. Tears are now running down Ellie's face. Maura's eyes settle on the cuts and bruises and she can't help but reach out and grab Ellie's hand.

"Who, baby?"

"Karl! He told Carrie that he liked me. That's what she said. And then we got to the party," she hiccups, her breathing coming fast and she can't get out the words in between her sobs. It's hard to understand her and Maura feels like she's sinking a little.

"When we got to the party I found him. And he said I looked pretty and handed me drinks and I just wanted him to like me. I know I'm not supposed to drink, Ma!" she cries desperately. "I know, I _know_, but I just wanted him to think I was cool and worthy and so I kept drinking and he put his arm around me."

Maura wanted more than anything to hug her daughter. She looks at Jane who's torn between anger and heartache.

"And he kissed me on the cheek and then he pulled out this bag of white stuff. And he said, here Leah, do this. You'll feel amazing. He didn't even remember my freaking name!" Ellie half screams, putting her hand over her face and curling into herself.

"Holy _shit_—look at me, Ellie this is important!" Jane yells, ripping Ellie's hands away so she can see her eyes.

"Look at me, baby," she's grabbing Ellie's face hard, looking into her pupils. She swiftly puts two fingers on her wrist, feeling for a fast pulse.

"Did you have any of it? Tell me the truth, alright, tell me the truth!"

Ellie stares at her, eyes wide with fear, breathing hard.

Maura can see that Jane is struggling to be gentle, stay as calm as possible, but she's terrified. Maura's thinking she herself might collapse on the sidewalk. She can't even go over and check Ellie to confirm, check for symptoms.

"No, Ma," the words finally fall from Ellie's mouth, quiet, but there. "No. I didn't."

Jane falls back against the car, hand over her eyes, breathing hard. Maura somehow finds herself next to Jane, slipping a hand behind Jane's neck and rubbing. Just _it's alright, I've got you. Our child will be okay._

"I said no to him and told him he shouldn't do it and he got really mad."

Jane lifts her hand from her face, slowly looking up at Ellie.

"I said coke can be dangerous and he said what did I know I'm only twelve. I got pissed and I went to grab the bag from him because I thought that—" she heaves a sigh, trying not to let anymore tears come. "I thought that I could hide it or something so nobody would do it, but he got really, really mad." She whimpers a little. "Then I just got scared so I called Mom. Because I want to go home. Please."

Silence. Maura moves towards Ellie, hands outstretched. She feels Jane beside her.

"Ellie, honey, did he hit you," Maura says, pointing to her spit lip.

She stares at her mothers blankly for a moment. Then she nods.

Maura doesn't think she's ever seen Jane move faster. She's bolting in the direction of a house a few places down where kids are hanging on the porch and there are too many cars for 1AM.

"Ma?" Ellie screams after her, confused and distraught, and probably scared of what her mother will do.

Maura just holds her back, holds her tightly to her chest and wonders how she'll ever be able to let her daughter go again.

She opens her eyes to Jane.

_ Jane. _

Jane is cradling Maura in her arms—it is safe and love and warmth. Jane is protection.

She whispers sweet nothings in Maura's ear and although Maura opens her eyes to see that they are stuck on the side of the road in a car and her whole body aches, there's nowhere else Maura would rather be. She feels love all around her, future, past and present.

* * *

**I kind of have no idea where this storyline came from. This family pretty much forms on it's own. But just to clarify this was not meant to be like a political thing against drugs or something lol (although 14 year olds should def not be able to get their hands on coke right?). I just wanted to experiment with Maura and Jane and parenting. **

**Anyways, let me know what you think please! :) **


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Thanks for the support. This chapter deals with the awful reality Jane is going through. **

* * *

**Chapter 9 **

They finally get to the hospital, but it is not the relief Jane thought it would be. Jane has explained to the paramedics how high Maura's fever is, how confused she has been and they reiterate this to the nurses and doctors that run to her gurney as she comes out of the ambulance. They also note how when she is lucid enough she complains of her neck hurting—they couldn't get her comfortable on the ride there. When doctors try to get Maura to answer questions she keeps saying her head is hurting, her neck aches. They shine lights in her eyes and she squirms away.

She's writhing in pain. She wasn't in pain like this before and Jane can't help but get protective, think it's something they're doing to her. If only they'd be more gentle. She just needs love, kindness, like Jane's touch. Maura had woken up because Jane kissed her.

Oh, that kiss.

Jane notices Maura clench and unclench her hand. It is almost as if she is searching for Jane, disturbed that her hand isn't in her own. This pulls Jane forward, like there is an invisible string tying them together, but a nurse pushes her back.

Jane hears them shouting for blood tests and then they begin to wheel Maura down to get an x-ray. They won't let Jane come. She runs as far as she can down the hallway, right behind Maura's gurney, but two male nurses block her way at the end of a corridor. She collapses against a wall.

The unknown—she hates it. That's what kills her.

She should have taken Maura in earlier. She was so sick. Jane had been so stupid, not paying attention. Or better yet, she should've insisted they stayed here from the beginning. They were at the hospital when she got sick for Christ's sake.

Something is ringing. It is the last straw. Jane puts her hands over her ears, cradling her head as she drops to the floor, trying to fight the urge to scream. But the ringing won't stop, it's incessant and Jane wants to figure out what it is so she can just shut it the hell up.

She finds her phone in her pocket. It's lighting up. Oh. She is going to hit the end button, but then she sees its Frankie and her thumb moves to green. It's important for some reason, it's—

She freezes_. Frost._ Oh, God, she hadn't heard about him in forever. What if she had lost one friend, while she was so busy losing another one? She doesn't have the ability to speak.

"Jane? Jane you there?"

She closes her eyes, willing for something good to come out of this shitty day. Please not something else bad. Not Frost. Not Maura. Not Frost.

"Frost? Maura."

Those are the only words she can speak.

"Frost is okay, Jane! He woke up, come see him! He's looking for you."

Jane can't breathe for a minute and then all the air comes rushing back in and she's heaving in gulps of air and running in the other direction down the hallway. If she can't be with Maura now, she'll have to be there for her other friend.

* * *

She cradles Frost's hand, but she can only manage to pull a small smile. She can't find the words for the jokes or the punch lines. She gives him water to sip on and he seems grateful, but she knows that he looks to her to speak as well, to lighten up the mood, and she just can't. This is her fault. Everything is her fault: Frost, Maura.

Maura. What were they doing to her? What was wrong with her?

Frost squeezes her hand, and she realizes she's been staring at a wall. She looks down at him. He tries to speak for a long while. She shakes her head, trying to shush him, but he's persistent.

"Okay," he says, and his voice is dripping with forgiveness.

Jane just keeps shaking her head, because the tears are coming and because it's not true. It's not okay. She fucked up and that's not okay.

But he squeezes her hand again in assurance. The doctors said he should make a full recovery. He'll definitely need physical therapy, but it is quite probable he will get back to work. He will at least be almost fully functional again.

But almost is not enough. They shouldn't even be in this room, he shouldn't be in this bed. If she had just kicked in the fucking door herself….

And Maura shouldn't be here either. Jane couldn't help but blame herself for her being so sick. She probably picked up whatever it was in the hospital, while trying to be there for Jane. Jane dragged her into this.

All Jane did was hurt the people she loved. She wiped at her face angrily with her free hand and then knelt beside Frost.

"I'm sorry, Frost. It's my fault and don't say it isn't."

Frost tried to shake his head, but she continued.

"I'm going to be with you every step of the way, okay? Every step until you get better. _Completely _better. You can do it. I don't want any other partner in the field, okay? I just want you."

He makes the effort to nod, and he squeezes her hand hard this time. She is so glad that hand isn't cold and limp anymore. He gives her a tiny smile, and that's enough to send her forward. She kisses him quickly on the forehead, then flashes him a sad smile and turns to leave.

"I'll get your Mama back here. Or do you want Korsack to torture you some more?" She jokes, but it falls flat.

Frost just stares at her, trying to convey that she doesn't need to be sorry. But she doesn't want to see that. She'd feel better if he was pissed, flashing angry eyes at her, throwing her out of the room. Because that's what she deserves.

She turns around and flies from the room.

Maura—she needs to check on her Maura.

* * *

Bacterial meningitis. That's what the doctors think Maura might have from her symptoms, and the tests they've already run. Jane hears that word and she thinks about what she's heard. That it's the one that's worse than viral. That people die from. Maura could die.

"She can't die," is it what falls from her mouth.

The doctor looks a little bewildered and then speaks slowly, as if she is dumb. "It is true that bacterial meningitis can lead to death, but Dr. Isles should be okay if we get her on the right antibiotics straight away. Bacterial meningitis has an 85% chance of survival if the antibiotics are administered in a timely manner. That's high Mrs. Rizzoli, and anyway we're not even sure that's what she has."

Jane can't breathe. She could die? Maura could die. There was a 15% chance. That's high. That is too, too fucking high.

She hugs the wall and clings to it, even though her fingers aren't grabbing onto anything solid and stable—only cement. She wants Maura's hand, her strong fingers wrapped around Jane's own.

"Mrs. Rizzoli, are you okay? Listen to me, we're not even sure of the diagnosis. We're going to do a spinal tap right now to confirm. Then we'll be sure to start antibiotics right away if it is in fact what she is suffering from."

"That's painful, right?" It is all she can think of to say.

"What is?"

"A spinal tap. I want to be there."

"She's very out of it. She's practically unconscious, Mrs. Rizzoli."

"I want to be there. I'm her designated medical person right? She told me she put me down for that. It means I can make medical decisions and be with her and I want to be there."

The doctor looks at her strangely for a second, as if he's trying to figure something out and then he gives in.

"Alright."

Jane holds Maura's hand in both of her own as people bend over her, wielding a large needle. Jane swallows. They are _not _sticking that thing in Maura. She takes a breath, trying to remember that this is what is going to help them see if this is meningitis or not.

She looks down at Maura instead of the needle. She studies her face. She's beautiful. She wishes she could see Maura's eyes—they are her favorite feature of Maura's, but she's still so very pretty when her eyes are closed. Perfect actually.

Jane can't believe it took her this long to realize her deeper feelings for her best friend. That kiss should have happened sooner. They should've already had a thousand kisses as amazing as that one. What if that was the only time—no. Jane took a shaky breath in. She wouldn't allow herself to think that way. Maura wouldn't want her to.

"Hey, beautiful," Jane whispers, keeping her eyes on Maura. "I know this hurts and everything is really scary and painful and confusing right now, but I'm right here. You always have me. Always. That will never change. Alright?"

She presses a kiss to Maura's hand. Out of the corner of her eye she sees the needle go in. She hopes, however foolishly, that the kiss helps balance the pain out, and so she lingers there.

* * *

**What do you think the future holds? **


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: I kind of got carried away with this dream of the future of Maura's, but I love it okay. Hope you enjoy. **

* * *

**Chapter 10 **

Maura is baking cookies and for the first time in her life she's sneaking little tastes of raw cookie dough. Jane is right—you have strange, uncontrollable urges when you are pregnant. Like the cookie dough. Maura is plopping scoops of it on the pan where it should be, but can't help dipping her finger in the bowl and scraping the side every so often. Totally unsanitary and unhealthy. But it just tastes so good.

She smiles as her three year old daughter bolts towards her, holding up a drawing. "Mommy, look! Look at the picture I made!"

"I see, Ellie! It's beautiful, sweetheart!"

She grabs a magnet and proudly puts it on the refrigerator. Her daughter is a budding artist after all. Jane teases her for it, saying soon there won't be enough space. But Maura knows that secretly she likes it—she wouldn't have it any other way.

"Mommy, are these for my birfday party?"

"Your _birthday_. Yes, sweetheart. And how old are you going to be? I can't seem to remember."

Maura pretends to think as she dips her finger yet again into the bowl.

"Four!...Hey, Mommy! You're not s'posed to eat cookie dough! You said!"

Ellie's little face looks confused and quite honestly somewhat betrayed.

_Crap. _How to explain this one. Maura bent down to Ellie's level, putting one hand on her shoulder and taking the conversation just as seriously as her daughter.

"You're right, baby. Mommy's being bad. You're not supposed to eat cookie dough."

"It can make you sick!" Ellie exclaims.

"That's right."

"Mommy, I hope you didn't get yourself sick," Ellie says, putting a tiny hand to Maura's forehead and Maura swears she lets out a little tsk, shaking her head of dark curls.

Maura tries hard not to laugh. "I'll be okay, Lee," she says, scooping her daughter up and planting a kiss to her forehead.

Maura can't help but think how long it will be until she won't be able to hold her daughter comfortably anymore. For the thousandth time, she wonders how Ellie is going to take the news that she will be having a sibling. Ellie presses her face into the crook of Maura's arm for a second or two and then she's already scrambling to get down, back to the kitchen table to draw more. She's not a child who likes to be held anyway.

Already running around and getting herself into any trouble she can find, she reminds Maura of Jane. She thinks back to when Jane got pregnant with Ellie. This brings back some good as well as bad memories. They had planned for Maura to get pregnant. They had wanted to do IVF using Jane's eggs. In this way, they would both feel like they had an important part in making the child. Maura had always been the one between the two of them who wanted to be pregnant. And it made the most sense considering their jobs. But they got two negative pregnancies and one where Maura was nine weeks in when she miscarried. That was a rough time. There were three weeks after the miscarriage when Maura was just a shell, and Jane did everything right, but there was nothing that could bring Maura out of her state. It was such a loss and she just felt like an immense failure. Maybe she wasn't meant to be a mother—all her worst fears were coming true. And then Jane had come to her and told her she would do it—get pregnant. She wanted to have a child with Maura, and she knew how much Maura wanted this. It was a huge sacrifice for the job that Maura didn't want her to have to make, but Jane was very persistent. It was the only thing that dragged Maura out of her depression—this goal to get Jane pregnant. They decided to try donor insemination. IVF would've been useful if they were doing what they originally planned: one of them pregnant, using the other's eggs. But Maura was at the time overly concerned that her body just wasn't made for getting pregnant, that her eggs could be a problem. Donor insemination made the most sense. Plus, Maura wanted to have a child who was like Jane. She dreamed about it. Ellie was the result, and no child she had dreamt up even came close to how wonderful her daughter is.

They have recently decided they want another child, a sibling for Ellie. It has been long enough and they have more hope and less pain they are carrying. Maura decided she wanted to try IVF one more time. Jane was behind Maura 100 percent, but was always prepared to catch her if she fell again. She had gotten pregnant, but they had quietly celebrated, the previous miscarriage haunting them. They decided not to tell anyone until they were through the first trimester. They have just reached that mark if Maura is right with her calculations. But she is almost afraid to mention it to Jane, afraid to say it aloud, for fear that their luck will break.

Suddenly, Jane is barging through the door, a bouquet of flowers in one hand and a box of pastries in the other.

Oh, my god, those cannolis Maura had been craving for _weeks_. Jane saunters up to her grinning, hands her the flowers and then plops the pastries on the counter. She reaches out and places a gentle hand on Maura's belly.

"Maur," she whispers in awe.

Maura stares at Jane's hand. She might cry. Now, she knows why Jane kept checking up on her at the office today—sending her texts and calling more than usual. She wanted to be absolutely positive that it would all be okay, that this baby was still here on this last day of the first trimester. That they would be able to celebrate.

She lifts up her head to look at Jane, ready to tell her how wonderful she is, how much she loves her, but Jane sees the tears that haven't fallen yet. For a second, Jane's face registers panic, but Maura shakes her head, giving her a smile.

"Okay," she barely gets out, trying not to let her voice break. Ellie is very perceptive. She always knows when her parents are upset, and she gets very distraught.

Jane quickly wipes away one of the tears that has escaped and kisses her. Hard. Like this is the last time. The first and last time.

She feels tugging on her skirt and looks down. Ellie is staring up at her, a little nervous, having sensed too many emotions filling up the room.

"Mommy? Mama?" she asks, perplexed, her little eyebrows raised in question.

Jane scoops her up and gives her a kiss on the cheek that makes a popping noise. "Baby girl, we have to talk to you about something."

Ellie's grin from her mother's greeting starts to fade as she senses the seriousness when she looks at Maura.

"Wha? Sorry, if I did something." She says, looking a little crestfallen. "I didn't color on Mommy's pretty skirt! Never again!" she adds, and Jane and Maura can't help but laugh.

"No, sweetheart, it's nothing you did. You've been such a good girl lately." Maura says, as they walk to the couch to settle in. Jane holds Ellie in her lap and Maura sits beside them, her knee touching Jane's.

She looks at Jane warily, uncertain how to continue. They are both unsure how Ellie will react to the news. Jane takes Maura's hand and begins.

"Mommy has something special happening."

"Oh?" Ellie says, looking up expectantly at her mothers.

"Yes. I'm going to have a baby, Lee. " Maura doesn't know how else to say it.

"_We_,_"_ she automatically corrects, giving Jane's hand a squeeze. "We are going to have a baby."

She's afraid to look at her daughter, so she looks at Jane. "Would you like someone to play with, Ellie? A little brother or sister?"

Ellie has climbed into Maura's lap. Maura looks down in surprise at a big pair of green, questioning eyes staring up at her. "Mommy and Mama will still play with me too?"

Maura's heart almost breaks at the way she asks. She is like Jane in that sometimes she's afraid to admit what she really wants, what's most important to her. And when she does, it is scary for her. It is all of her trust wrapped in the other person—that they will answer the right way, that they will love her still.

Maura reaches down and strokes her daughter's cheek. "Of course, sweet girl."

"You'll always be our Lee," Jane chimes in, rubbing her daughter's back soothingly. "There won't ever be another one."

Ellie turns around and smiles at her. Then she looks back to Maura, her face suddenly getting serious.

"The baby is in Mommy's tummy?" she says, and places a tentative hand on Maura's stomach.

"Yes," Maura breathes, stunned at her daughter's gentle touch.

"I'll take care of you, baby," Ellie whispers, staring at Maura's belly and gently stroking it.

Maura and Jane share a surprised glance and then a grin.

And of course, during that peaceful moment Maura never wants to end, her mother-in-law comes crashing through the front door. She has seen the whole family gathered there, Ellie's hand on Maura's stomach.

"What did I miss?" she asks, but Maura can already tell she is jumping to conclusions from the scene in front of her.

Maura smiles, happy to share the news with more family. Jane looks at Maura to make sure it is alright to say, then squeezes Maura's hand tightly.

"Looks like you're gonna have another grandkid, Ma."

Angela squeals in delight and comes closer, ready to hug anybody and everybody.

"Yes, I'm pregnant, Angela."

Maura finds it actually feels good to say the words aloud, despite how she had feared to.

Angela sweeps Maura into a huge hug, with Ellie squeezed in the center.

"Alright, Ma, don't squish my family, please."

But Maura is laughing, so very happy. Angela moves to hug Jane and she lets her, a testament to how thrilled Jane is as well.

Maura can't help but think of how wonderful it has all worked out in the end. Sometimes you have to go through pain, struggle, wait and hope, and it doesn't turn out_ exactly _ how you planned. But maybe it turns out better in a way. They wouldn't have Ellie if their original plans hadn't gone awry. Maura couldn't imagine a world without Ellie. And now, Maura is also able to experience being pregnant. They are having another child. It is beautiful sometimes how life can work out.

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**Thoughts? :) **


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

It's bacterial meningitis. Despite the doctors' attempts to reassure her that it's going to be fine because they have diagnosed it and they are on top of it, Jane is terrified. Maura needs to have a separate room. You have to be seriously sick to be isolated like that. And they say Maura needs to keep a face mask on to make sure the disease doesn't spread. They start Maura on antibiotics that should cure her, but they say she will probably have a high fever for awhile, and she is looking at a long stay here.

Jane asks them question after question, making sure they aren't missing anything. She tries to keep her head straight for Maura, knowing that if the roles were reversed Maura could be calm and logical and collect all the facts, knowing that she would be so much better than Jane at this.

The doctors ask Jane if she's had a lot of contact with Maura recently. She thinks about the kiss and blushes. She simply tells them yes, not wanting to go into details. She doesn't know why, but she feels as though she will spoil it, the beauty and simplicity of it, by placing it in a medical setting. They give Jane prevention antibiotics just in case.

Now, Jane finds herself at the edge of Maura's bed, holding her hand. She is so exhausted, but no part of her wants to lie down, even when kind nurses set up a little cot for her in the room. Everyone must see in Jane's expressions, the way she moves, that she doesn't intend to leave. That she is connected to Maura in a way that doesn't need to be explained, but is respected.

Jane watches Maura's flushed face for any signs of improvement. She's not going to fool herself. She looks worse if anything, and Jane droops forward a little more, bent with the weight of fear and self-hatred.

But she can't sit here wallowing in self-pity right now, it is not the time, she has to be here for Maura.

Facts from the Discovery channel pop into her head. Jane secretly watches them late at night when she can't sleep. They remind her of Maura and if the nightmares aren't too bad, help her from not having to call Maura to hear her voice. There's no point in keeping them both up.

Jane now thinks that maybe she's been doing this as a way of improving herself for Maura too—making sure she knows how octopuses live out their lives.

Stupid. But it's all Jane seems to have right now.

So she begins to tell Maura about the octopus, even though she knows this is probably no new information and Maura probably can't hear her.

"Maur, you know…octopuses can lay one hundred thousand eggs. And they're very protective—their ink can do a number of things so they can get safely away…"

* * *

Maura looks particularly restful so Jane walks to the corner of the room to call and check up on Frost. Of all the people she can contact about Frost, surprisingly she finds herself dialing her mother.

"Janie?"

"Ma, do you know how Frost's doing?"

"I just got back to the hospital and popped in. He seems a little bit more up for visitors now. A few of the guys are in the room, and they're sharing stories. He's smiling a little."

Jane can't help but smile picturing it. She'll get up there soon, but Frost has good company there, making him happy. She doesn't think she could do that at the moment-laugh about the past, joke. Besides, she doesn't know if she could leave Maura right now.

Jane is all she has, the only one in her room. Jane called Maura's parents and they are flying in from wherever in the world they are, but they will both take at least a couple of days. Then again, Jane hasn't gotten around to telling anyone else.

"Jane, what's going on. Where are you."

Her mother knows something's wrong—like she always does.

"Ma, Maura's sick."

"Frankie said that you took her home last night because she had a fever—"

"It's worse. It's…she has bacterial meningitis."

"Oh my god, are you somewhere in the hospital with her Jane?"

"Yes, yea, they got her started on antibiotics and they say she's going to be okay, but…but…" Jane can't stop herself from voicing her fears.

"She's really sick, Ma. Her fever's so high she was like hallucinating, and even with the antibiotics there's a fifteen percent chance that I could lose her, Ma, I could _lose_ her."

It is like the truth of this fact is finally settling in, smacking her between the eyes, causing her to fall back hard against the wall.

Because those words aren't right, it's not possible for Jane to lose Maura, and the truth that she could, that this is a possibility, is making the whole world spin differently, in the opposite direction of the way it should.

She's trying hard not to cry, but the sobs are climbing up her throat, clawing their way out. Howling.

She hears her mother's voice in the distance, calling her back.

"Jane. Janie, I'm coming alright? Hang on, I'm coming, baby."

* * *

Her Ma has taken her out into the hallway near the doorway. This is better. Jane doesn't want Maura to see her like this, to be able to even sense these emotions that are crushing her.

They sit on the ground and her mother holds her against her chest and Jane lets her because this feels good for once.

Jane knows she's not making much sense through the sobs that are coming out of her, but she can't stop the words as much as she can stop the cries.

"It's my fault…because Frost…and then she—she got sick Mama, and that wouldn't—wouldn't have happened. I made him go—go through the door first and I made her go home—home and I didn't take care of anybody, Mama and that's my job, it's my _job_!"

Her mother just rocks her back and forth, shaking her head. Then her words come soft and reassuring, like a lullaby.

"Janie, baby, it is not your job to take care of everyone."

When Jane nods her head furiously, trying to say "yes, yes all of it is my job", her mother just holds her more tightly.

"You can't blame yourself for everything and you can't save everyone. The world isn't for you to save, sweetheart. You've had a hard time understanding that since you were a little girl." She sighs heavily, almost sadly. "A heart too big, and a stubborn mind. A love for so many people, but hardly any for yourself."

She's rubbing circles on Jane's back, just like she used to do when Jane was a kid and couldn't sleep.

"Frost is improving, he's a champ, you know that. And Maura…Maura is strong. You know all she's been through. She'll pull through Janie. Especially if she has you."

Jane shakes her head, and wants to protest and say her Ma doesn't know anything for certain, but she is right about Frost's and Maura's strength. And "Maura al-always has me."

"I know," Angela says, squeezing her a little closer. "And she knows that too."

Jane doesn't know why it comes out, but for some strange reason this seems like the perfect moment—when everything is raw and open between her mother like it hasn't been since she was nine.

"I kissed her."

Angela hums, but doesn't say anything. It is not an awkward silence. It is full of love and understanding and as much as Jane relishes in it, part of her can't believe it. All of the dates with guys her Ma had forced her on through the years, the talk of grandchildren…how could her mother seem so fine with it—more than fine. So Jane seeks to clarify what happened, explain.

"Maura. I kissed her. We were waiting for the ambulance and she wouldn't wake—wake up." She sniffs. "So I got scared and did—did the only thing I could think of. I kissed her and she opened her eyes. She kissed me back."

She stops to really think about what this last statement all means. She sighs against her mother and lets it all go, like a last prayer.

"I love her, Ma. I'm in love with her."

"I know," Angela says, simply.

Jane lifts her head up in shock to look at her mother's face, be able to read her. "What?"

Angela raises her eyebrows a little. "I know my daughter, alright? You've never acted the way you do with Maura before. You treat Maura better than family, and you take care of your family better than anyone I know."

Jane would normally protest, pretend she was wrong, pretend to be outraged. But she is so, so tired. She leans back into her mother's arms and just listens, letting her mother unfold truths, and clinging to them like they are life jackets in this rough storm she's trying to keep afloat in.

"And the way Maura looks at you. Well. She is a different person than the one I met Jane. It's been amazing to watch her come out from behind that curtain she drew around herself, see the real Maura. She is a beautiful, wonderful person. And that person wouldn't have shown herself to the world if you hadn't drawn her out."

Jane is crying for a different reason now—it comes from a vastly different feeling than before.

"You are her sunshine," Angela almost sings. "And she makes your heart beat right. You are more complete and happy with her than I have ever seen you, my Janie."

And that is how Jane finds the strength to stay by Maura's side that night, watching her vitals, whispering facts about the strength of the human heart, and being all Maura needs to keep pushing through.

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**I'd love some reviews. They really help keep me going sometimes. **


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Thank you so much for your kind words. Some of you are really wonderful and your reviews gave me some happiness today. **

**This section is all the future-dream stuff again. The present time in this chapter is the night where Maura and Jane pick up Ellie at the party-continuing that story. **

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**Chapter 12**

There are some moments in our lives that are ingrained in our brains. You could try and scrub them with bleach, but they'd never come out. If enough time passes, you can push them into a deep and dark corner, knocking them down every time they try and rise to the surface.

But rise they will. Because unfortunately, later in life there often come times when those horrible memories come back and hit you full force, straight in the chest. Knocking the ground from under you, the breath out of your lungs.

Maura sits in her office at BPD at two in the morning, with her arm wrapped around her fourteen year old daughter who holds an ice pack to her lip.

But she is really back in that terrible moment. It is happening again.

_They are at an arcade. Maura hated those places, but Jane had insisted._

"_Just once Maur, let our kids have some fun—the kind of fun other kids get to have."_

_Maura had been hurt by the implications of that sentence, but she'd gone along with the plan of the day, pretending to not care. _

_It was an awful day from the start. Chaos, pure chaos. Tyler refused to get dressed and Ellie was in a foul mood, shaking her head at everything they tried to offer her. Maura went through five pairs of outfits in her closet and Jane held up three different cereal boxes and Ellie shook her head at every one. Jane thought she was getting sick—she only acted this way when she was cranky for a good reason—when something was really bothering her. Maura knew she was right. But she was pissed off. _

_They were going to the goddamn arcade. Jane had been so insistent and so the arcade is what she was going to get. Ellie didn't feel like she had a fever and Maura figured that the arcade might get her out of her funk. _

_They met Tommy there with TJ—a Rizzoli family outing. Maura hated the arcade the second she stepped through the doors—the smell of sweat and how crowded it was, lights flashing and noises blaring while children shrieked._

_Jane could tell she was hurt and pissed. Maura knew Jane was trying to talk to her, to make it up to her, but Maura was being just as stubborn as Ellie that day and she would have none of it. She made off-hand remarks and pointedly didn't laugh at any of Jane's usual jokes or sarcastic comments._

_Jane finally pulled her to the side gently by her arm, cornering her. "What's going on, Maura?"_

_Maura stood on her tiptoes to look over Jane's shoulder for her children, regretting not wearing her heels today. Ellie was playing some game where she smacked at little plastic animals that shot up from holes. She was a seven-year-old full of intensity, taking out her rage on the poor plastic animals. Tyler stood by and watched his sister, trying to climb up her side and get a better view. Ellie looked pissed and said something to him that made his face scrunch up. Maura fell for those big sad eyes every time. She wanted to run to him. Yes, she wanted to avoid this conversation with her wife, but she also wanted to comfort her son. _

"_Jane," she said, already trying to side step her. "Tyler's upset."_

"_Ellie's got him and Tommy's watching them," Jane said, not relenting, folding her arms. "Besides, he's not crying."_

_Maura normally would marvel at how great of a mom Jane is—there are at least a few cries from little kids echoing around the place right now, and Jane knows for a fact known of them are from her children. But now this ability makes Maura irrationally more upset. _

"_Maura, please talk to me. Was it something I said?"_

_And for some reason those chocolate brown eyes of Jane's that often make her melt when they are soft and questioning like this, just make her more pissed off at the moment. _

"_Yes. It was. You're never considerate to my feelings Jane."_

_Not true. Just something said in the heat of the moment, a complete generalization. Jane is one of the most considerate people Maura has ever met. But this sparks Jane's anger, and she becomes defensive just like Maura knew she would. _

"_I'm never considerate?" Jane practically sputters. "Maura, I've been trying to figure out what's going on with you all day, going out of my way to be nice. I handled the kids mostly on my own this morning, I—"  
"Jane, you know I take care of the kids more than you overall! Don't act like you're a hero just because you swoop in on a Saturday and take them to the arcade!"_

_Maura's so angry. And she doesn't know why. She knows Jane is with the kids as much as she can be. Her work is hard, but she puts aside as much time as possible. It just doesn't feel like enough, Maura is so worn down lately. _

"_That's not fair, Maura!" Jane says, reddening. Maura has hit her where it hurts. She knows that Jane always is worried that she doesn't spend enough time with Ellie and Tyler—they're growing up so fast. God, Tyler is already three._

"_You of all people know what my job is like!" Then Jane narrows her eyes. "It's about the arcade isn't it?" _

_And Maura can't tell if Jane figured it out or not, but she's so focused on Jane and what's going to come next that she isn't looking where she should be—watching her kids. They are fighting about nothing because she's too insecure and immature to tell Jane why she's really angry and then…. _

_She hears a scream and that's what brings everything crashing down, what begins the nightmare. It's Ellie's scream. She knows it the way she knows the rhythm of Jane's heart beat that she listens to every night to fall asleep. _

"_NO! LET GO OF HIM!"_

_Maura feels like she moves like lighting towards where her daughter's screams are coming from._

"_MAMA! MOMMY!"_

_But Jane somehow moves faster. Maura loses sight of her._

_She feels like someone has stabbed her in the gut and twisted it._

_Her son is bawling._

_Maura wants to drop to the floor from the pain, but the adrenaline pushes her forward, the need to see her children. _

_When she rounds the corner, Ellie is cradling Tyler against her chest. He sobs. Maura has time to notice too many things. Ellie looks too small to be in this position of protector. She is frozen, staring wide-eyed at her mother, who has a man pinned down to the ground. Jane punches him and growls in his face, low and guttural, holding him by the throat. Maura can't help but think about the time she saw a documentary where a lioness felt her young cubs were threatened so she attacked like this. _

_Then she is somehow on top of Jane, pulling her off, afraid Jane will do something she regrets, that her children will be exposed to even more trauma. _

"_Jane, stop!" she is pleading, screaming with all she has. _

_Jane halts, turns slowly towards Maura. "Please. Please, sweet girl."_

_She watches Jane's face. She knows the moment when her Jane is back. She leaves the man sprawled on the ground and runs to her children, pulling them towards her desperately. Ellie stands stock still, but Tyler turns to wrap his arms around Jane's neck. _

_It takes two hours to settle him down, to pry his little hands from Jane's shirt._

_Ellie can't talk for three. Maura knows it is shock, but it kills her inside all the same. Jane and Maura's hands are locked together the entire night. Maura holds Ellie to her as she shakes and the hospital examines her tiny hand she used to punch her attacker, and the bruises on her face and chest where the man hit her in anger. _

_Because Ellie fought. He clearly hadn't predicted a seven year old would fight like she did. A mini hurricane, she attacked at full force when he tried to take her and her brother. She kicked and she bit and she screamed. And her warrior of a mother did the rest. _

_Ellie did everything right, even more than they would expect from a little girl her age, even more than Jane had taught her about self-defense. But she shuts down for days. Sometimes she will pull away from a slight touch. And sometimes she will crawl into their bedroom at night because she can't sleep until she is cradled in the arms of both her mothers. _

_They essentially get their old Ellie back eventually. But she hates arcades, she won't wear the color pink again, she tries to shelter Tyler from everything in life. _

_And Jane becomes even more protective. _

_And Maura never forgives herself. _

"Mommy."

Maura blinks. "Mommy, are you okay?"

She's staring into her daughter's green eyes filled with worry. Maura almost gets dragged back into the past again when Ellie calls her "Mommy", but she shakes her head to dispel the thoughts.

"I'm fine, honey." She squeezes Ellie's hand and tries to smile.

Before Ellie can say anything, Jane comes barging into Maura's office and they both jump, then turn to look at her. Jane stalks towards them and Maura can practically see the anger rolling off her back in waves. She has the urge to get in front of Ellie, shield her from the world, from this anger emanating from Jane, but she knows that's mainly the dire need to protect that those memories have stirred up. Jane would never lay a finger on Ellie. Someone else did and that's why Jane's fuming.

Jane takes Ellie's chin in one hand, and lifts the ice pack off in the other, her movements gentle but firm. She scrutinizes the wound and then winces at the way the side of Ellie's mouth is swollen and black and blue. Maura knows how she feels. When you see your child hurt, it's like you yourself can feel the pain.

"Son of a bitch," Jane mutters through clenched teeth.

Then she pulls Ellie up by her wrist, dragging her out the door.

"Ma!" Ellie struggles against her.

"You are IDing him. Right now. I want that asshole put away this second."

Maura runs after them, hating the way that Jane is one direction and one speed right now, not thinking about her daughter's state of mind at the moment. And her mama bear senses are up more than ever after that flashback.

"Jane, wait. Can't we do this in the morning?"

"Nope," Jane clips back. "Now."

Maura is catching up to them. "But you have him for possession of cocaine, right? It's not like you need this to hold him."

"Maura, now," she growls.

Ellie looks back at Maura with wide eyes. She's almost limp, so drained from the night. All of a sudden, she is seven again and Maura is chilled to the bone.

"Not now, not tonight." Her tone is dangerous, and it makes Jane halt and turn around.

Maura composes herself. She's never talked to Jane like that. She takes a deep breath and starts again. "Please, Jane. Look at her. She's not in a good state."

Maura sees Jane's eyes soften as she looks at Ellie, the look of a concerned mother. But when she breathes in, her whole demeanor shifts again.

"Maura, she wreaks of alcohol, she's wasted, tell me how that excuses her from this. I think it's best if we just get this over with. I want that bastard to-"

"Goddamn it, Jane!"

She pushes Jane through the door into the morgue, and the sheer surprise of it makes Jane let go of Ellie. Now they are alone.

Jane stands five feet from Maura, staring at her in shock and anger.

"I know it's scary!" Maura yells.

She tries to calm her voice down, be more soothing. She reaches out her arms towards Jane.

"Honey. I know it's scary."

Jane shakes her head, trying to resist losing her anger, because once she loses that she will just be upset and that is so much harder for her to face.

"Because it's our baby." Maura takes a step closer, arms still out towards Jane, voice soft.

Jane looks up at her, eyes filling up with tears.

"And he reminds me of him too," Maura lets the last words drop. They turn the room completely silent. Nobody is breathing.

Then Maura runs to Jane and gets there a second before Jane's knees buckle. She cries into Maura's neck and Maura just holds her tight and lets herself cry as well.

"I know, sweet girl, I know," Maura whispers, stroking Jane's hair. They allow themselves these thirty seconds. It is all they can have right now. They join hands and turn to leave, ready to take their daughter home, get her sober, make this as easy as possible. It's a silent agreement they'll come back to ID him in the morning, when emotions have simmered down.

But then Ellie bursts through the doors.

"It was my fault! Don't fight!"

Her face is red and her eyes are wild and it's hard to understand her because she can barely catch her breath. She's crying.

"Stop! It's all my fault, be mad at me!"

And they all just stand there, Jane and Maura frozen in shock while Ellie calms down enough to see them standing still. As one. Clearly no longer fighting.

"Oh," she says, but it is barely audible. Then she whimpers and curls in on herself, looking like she would like to disappear.

Maura wants to hold her more than anything and steps towards her. But Jane squeezes her hand once, a signal. Jane is very much like Ellie and she knows that at the moment Ellie does not want to be touched.

"Ellie?" Jane's voice is so gentle. "What's your fault?"

Ellie is silent for a moment. "I wasn't watching him. I was mad."

It's so hard to hear her that Maura has to lean in a bit. She doesn't know what Ellie is talking about.

"I was so annoyed. And so I pushed him away from me. But he just wanted to see me play the game."

And then she does know what she's talking about and her blood feels like it has frozen. Ellie has never talked about that day directly. Ever. They had sent her to therapy, but she had never spoken one word to them about it.

"The man came. I thought it was Uncle Tommy because he came beside me and just picked Tyler up. Like he knew him. But it didn't feel right for some reason. So I turned around."

Jane is squeezing Maura's hand so hard, if she didn't know any better Maura would say it was possible it would fall off. Break. Like everything else. Like her heart.

"And I screamed." Ellie's voice is dead-pan, barely existent, like she does not exist. Like she is somewhere else. "And I kicked him in the balls and grabbed for Tyler, but he swung at me and I couldn't see, I just knew I had to get Tyler so I tried to punch him, but I was this stupid, little girl. Stupid. And he practically crushed my hand. And hit me in the chest. I couldn't breathe. But there was no way he would take Tyler away. Because he was the baby, he's my baby brother. And _I _was supposed to take care of him. He was my…it was MY JOB."

Ellie's voice is rising in anger and Maura has somehow ended up crouched on the floor and Jane stands over her, hand never leaving Maura's.

"I knew you would hate me forever if I didn't get him back. I would hate myself. I called out for you and I bit him really hard on the arm and when he opened his arms in pain and let Tyler drop I barely caught him. He could have cracked his head open and died. Tyler almost died. Because of me."

She has made her way onto the floor as well, all curled up, making her tall self as small as possible.

Maura somehow found her way across the hard floor, like something magnetic was drawing her to her daughter. She knows whatever she says next is going to be something Ellie clings to forever, something that gets her through. She gets as close as possible, but doesn't touch her daughter. Even though she wants to hold her forever.

"We love you."

"We love you forever," Jane's hoarse voice whispers and Maura looks up to see her on the other side of Ellie. It is like the "Ellie sandwich" they used to make, but without the touching and the holding. There will be time for that. All that matters is that Ellie feels like she is surrounded by love.

Maura makes sure to say these words as steadily and as clear as possible. "You did everything right."

Ellie reaches out and clutches Maura's hand and a little sob escapes. Maura bends as if to kiss her on the head, but then she puts her other hand on top of Ellie's instead.

"You saved Tyler. You saved him, Lee," Jane says and the shift in the room is palpable.

It is like something has been healed that was broken for a long, long time.

Ellie turns in a whirlwind and throws her arms around Jane's neck. Jane picks her up like she used to when she was small and her long legs wrap awkwardly around Jane's waist.

Jane's eyes are shut, but the tears keep coming. "You saved him."

She rocks Ellie and Maura notices, even though her vision is blurry through her own tears, that Ellie's breathing is evening out—her chest rises and falls more easily.

"It's my fault I wasn't there," Jane whispers into Ellie's dark curls, so quietly that Maura barely catches it.

And that's when Maura realizes something she should of long ago. She was far from the only one who blamed herself for the whole awful moment.

She hugs her daughter from behind, then wraps her arms as far as they will go around Jane's back. An Ellie sandwich. Maura plants a quick kiss to Jane's cheek that says:

_My fault too._

_I forgive you. I forgive us._

_I love you always._

* * *

**I hope this wasn't as upsetting for you to read as it was for me to write. Wow, this chapter drained me like not much other writing I've done has. In a strangely good way though...**

**I know I took risks with this chapter. Please tell me what you think of it. I love sneaking a look at reviews during work. **


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Sorry I haven't been around for a little while. I've been busy. And I haven't felt in the right place to write this story and I would never want to force it. It's too special to me. Thank you for all of the immense support you all have given me, especially for the last chapter. **

**Back into Jane's hellish reality lol**

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**Chapter 13**

Maura spends twenty-four more hours completely unconscious and most of it in a fit of fever. She thrashes around some until they give her more medication that Jane hopes is helping to reduce Maura's fever.

Word has spread about Maura's condition since Jane told her Ma. All of the guys have dropped by, one at a time, heads bowed, wishing Maura well. But they never stay more than twenty minutes. There is something that drives them away-a sense that Jane gives off: too intense and protective.

She loves how everyone shows how much they care about Maura, but truth is she'd much rather be alone with her.

Jane thinks she may be more tired than she's ever been. But there is no way she'd be able to sleep, no matter how many ways her mother presents it to her.

_But it will be better for Maura, when she wakes up, you will be able to be more there for her, be more like your self if you sleep-_that's the line that almost works. Jane lies down on the cot. But Jane can't keep her eyes shut for more than a minute without thinking she hears an irregular beep from Maura's machine. Her eyes smack wide open and she cranes her neck waiting for her disaster.

That's her problem. Although, her body needs sleep, Jane is waiting for more disaster to strike. It's proved to be on a pretty good streak.

Frost is doing increasingly better and Jane is scared that Maura is going to suddenly plummet in health, that this will be the other shoe, the one she's been waiting for to drop. That Maura is going to be the one that continually suffers for Jane's mistakes, her carelessness.

And that terrifies her. Because losing Maura is the number one thing Jane absolutely would not be able to survive.

She hates herself for even thinking about any of this, about Frost and Maura in this comparative way, so she makes herself pull away from Maura's bedside a couple of times to visit Frost. Angela sits with Maura and promises Jane ten thousand times that she will call her even if Maura gives the slightest hint of turning for the worse.

Now, as Jane bends to sit next to Frost's bedside, trying to find a position that puts less pressure on her aching back and shoulders, she thinks about how Maura says Jane always carries her tension in her shoulders. She can't help but smile, remembering the many massages Maura has given her after a particularly stressful day, greatly soothing her pulsing hands, her aching shoulder blades.

"Jane sit still for five seconds," she would say, as Jane half-heartedly resisted having to lie face down on the couch or the bed.

But she loves when Maura works her magic. They both know it. "Relax. I know it's hard for you, Jane. But try."

Maura's voice. It bounces through Jane's head. That commanding, but gentle tone she sometimes uses with Jane. Bossy, but sweet, caring. Jane doesn't know how she manages it.

Frost moans a little, stirring her from her thoughts.

"Hey, buddy, didn't mean to wake you," she says softly, taking his hand in both her own.

He flashes her a smile and squeezes her hand. "It's okay. Glad to see you."

She smiles back. "That's the most I've heard from you in awhile," she teases.

He nods. "Jane," he murmurs, and Jane can tell from the tone of his voice, careful, soft, what he is going to bring up.

"Frost, please don't tell me it's okay."

He just looks at her.

She plunges forward before he says the words.

"It's not. I should have gone first. It is _not _okay," her voice is breaking. It is stupid. She hates her voice. She hates her clumsy hands. She tries to pull them away from Frost's, but he clings on.

"I won't ever forgive myself, Frost," she whispers, barely hearing the words herself.

She can no longer bring herself to look into those warm brown eyes.

"But I do. I forgive you, Jane."

His words come heavy. They are weighted. They break something open inside Jane. And then things start to pull back together—healing.

"If you insist that it's your fault, then fine. But I forgive you."

Each word has become stronger than the next.

"I _forgive _you."

Jane finds herself needing to look at him even though she's scared to. She raises her eyes, and recognizes hope fluttering inside her. That he really means it. That he really is alright. He's going to be okay.

"I want to still be your partner," he says when she finally meets his eyes. He holds her gaze, not even blinking when a tear rolls down Jane's cheek.

Maura once told her that eyes don't lie.

His are filled with nothing but kindness for Jane, respect.

_Respect. _This makes her cry more.

But it's a different kind of crying then the one she's been doing lately.

She doesn't need to speak.

Like all good partners, Frost understands.

* * *

Jane thinks she is dreaming when she hears Maura's voice, quiet.

"My fault. Jane. It's okay."

So quiet that Jane thinks it can't be real, it must be in her mind.

Her mind_ has_ been playing tricks on her recently. Jane's head is face down on the side of Maura's bed. Not sleeping, just resting her eyes. But images keep playing in her mind and she's been up long enough that she's pretty sure auditory hallucinations have started to kick in.

She doesn't want to look up and see that Maura's not speaking, that she's not awake. That will feel like a kick to the face. So she keeps her face hidden and safe. Sighs deeply.

But then she feels fingers on her scalp, soothing, brushing through her curls. Finger tips slowly kneading her scalp like her mother used to do to calm her when she couldn't sleep.

"Maura," she mumbles, daring to hope a little.

Jane lifts up her head, blinks her eyes three, four times, before she lets herself believe that Maura's eyes are open.

"Oh my god."

She clutches Maura's face between her hands and takes in the miraculous sight of those eyes.

Maura's eyes are open.

"Maura."

She strokes Maura's cheek with her thumb and Maura manages a small smile.

"Hi, Jane."

"Hi," Jane says it sort of like a question. She just can't believe this is really happening. The stupid tears are already filling up her eyes.

She pulls away for a second to wipe them quickly. She needs to see. She needs to clearly see Maura awake right in front of her.

She takes Maura's hand in both of her own and kisses it.

"You really scared me, Maur."

"Sorry," Maura whispers low and sad. "I'm sorry."

"Never," Jane says, swooping the honey blonde hair damp with sweat back from Maura's face. "It's not your fault." She sighs. "God, if anything it's mine."

Maura's eyes are already drooping again. She looks so tired. Jane can't be losing her already. There's so much to say.

Maura is shaking her head, trying to get something out.

"I wasn't listening to you," she murmurs. "I was so stubborn. And the kids-" She trailed off.

The kids? Jane was losing her. _No, not yet. Please._

"Maura, stay with me, honey. Please."

Jane cups her face again, this time a little more desperate, harder. But Maura's eyes are dull and she can barely see their color anymore-that beautiful mix of green and brown and orange.

"Tired, Jane. Love—" And then Maura's breath is even and she is limp.

Jane bends at the waist, feeling like she is wilting.

Presses a kiss against Maura's forehead.

Gently brushes away her own tears from Maura's cheek.

Goes to find a doctor.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: So this story has sucked me back in again. This next section is playing in Maura's mind.**

**FYI: this chapter is rated M...things may get highly emotional. and hot and steamy... ;) **

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**Chapter 14 **

"Wait! Maura, shit. Please. Stay."

"Jane, don't. Just don't."

"Please, Maura. Please don't go."

Maura hates when Jane pleads like that. Usually, it makes her heart swell. She's there instantly, listening.

But right now she's just so angry, and tired, and upset. The normal person she runs to when she's upset is Jane, and she's unfortunately the cause. So Maura just wants to go home and have a glass of wine.

She sighs, turning her back to Jane and picking up her bag by Jane's door. "I'm done right now. I'm just done."

She already has her hand on the handle.

"Maura! Don't you walk out that door!"

Jane's tone has changed. She's pissed. Her tone is almost threatening.

"Calm down, Jane! I'm so sick of your temper."

Maura is slipping into what Jane would call her "Dr. Isles" tone. She she doesn't want to feel this much. She has to go before they both do even more damage and regret it. But Jane won't let go.

"How am I supposed to calm down?"

Maura sighs, feeling the anger and impatience building up.

"You never can calm down and have a rational conversation."

"Oh, and you're walking away, that's much better!"

Jane strides towards Maura, her face red, hair wild. And this makes Maura want to leave more. Maura is so goddamn angry. She can't believe Jane is turning herself into the victim right now.

She opens the door, takes a step through, but at the last minute pulls back and shuts it, whirling around and pointing her finger at Jane.

"Don't you dare, Jane Rizzoli. You're the one who's been walking away."

"What?" Jane looks genuinely taken aback.

"What do you mean _what _Jane? You're supposed to move in with me! This week! And then I find out you bought a lazy chair? That matches your living room and not remotely any color in my living room and where is it going to fit, I wouldn't have any place to put it!"

Maura knows she's going off on a tangent, but the more she thinks about the chair that arrived today, that goddamn chair that started all of this, sitting there in the corner of the room—the more she is fuming.

"Maura, it's a _chair_!"

"You buying furniture that matches your apartment is not a sign you want to move in with me, Jane! If you have something to say, say it!"

"What the _hell _are you talking about?"

Jane stands three feet from Maura—angry, defensive, and looking at her like she's crazy, like she's wrong. This throws Maura so much her voice raises even higher. She feels tears coming from her frustration.

"You haven't stopped by my office or my home as often the last few days." She's jabbing her finger in the air. "You've pulled away from me three times in the last week—when we've been kissing on the couch, and I try to take it further, take off more than just your shirt for a change!"

She throws her hands up in the air, exasperated and trying to gain control of her broken voice, the situation. But the words come out twisted anyway.

"Are you having second thoughts, Jane?"

The tears are filling up Maura's eyes more, she can't really see. This makes her even angrier. Maura hates to be seen as vulnerable when she's trying to prove something, to make an argument.

"Do you not want to do this anymore?"

She's already turning around towards the door in fear of Jane's answer, not daring to look at Jane's face.

"Because I'll leave," she's pulling the door frantically open. "I'll make it easy for—"

But Jane has grabbed her arm, pulled her back into the apartment, and shut the door. She spins Maura around to face her, holding her by the arms. Jane looks down at her, clearly very distraught.

"I want you, Maura, I want you. Please."

Jane rubs her thumbs soothingly across Maura's skin and Maura wishes it didn't make her weak at the knees, but it does.

Jane looks down for a moment at the floor, looking almost embarrassed, then clears her throat, continues.

" Shit, I—I'm sorry. I guess I have been acting strange and it may seem like I'm pulling away, but it's just because I don't know how…with us…I don't know how—"

Maura closes her eyes, resigning herself to what's coming. This is the part when she loses her lover. And Jane just wants to be friends. But they won't be able to go back, and that was the biggest risk from the beginning. The big risk, the—

"I don't know how to have sex in the way that, you know, women—"

Maura barely catches the last few words, for Jane practically whispers them. And then it all hits Maura. She completely understands. Jane hates feeling uncomfortable, out of her element. They've been taking things pretty slowly, but Jane's afraid to move forward with their sex life because this is new for her. And Jane doesn't know how to talk about things she is uncertain of—things she considers herself stupid not to know. She's embarrassed, and scared and Maura didn't see it.

"Oh, Jane, I didn't realize! I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to push you-"

"_I'm_ sorry, Maura. I know how much you want to, you know, " Jane looks like she might melt with embarrassment, but she looks a little relieved after seeing Maura's understanding. "I think I was just…subconsciously I guess I thought that moving in with you was like when I would have to step up and you would expect me to….and I guess I just got…scared."

Jane rarely admits she's scared, and only to Maura. Maura just wants to hold her now. But she lets Jane continue. It's hard enough for her to get out as it is.

"I didn't realize that I…I'm sorry I made you think it was you. I'm sorry, Maur," she finally looks up at Maura and clutches Maura's hand in her own.

Maura smiles. She puts her other hand gently against Jane's cheek. "It's perfectly alright. Listen, you moving in with me does not mean we have to do anything differently."

Jane looks at her hopefully, relaxing a little underneath Maura's touch.

"When you're ready, we'll take it one step at a time," Maura continues softly. "I would never rush you, Jane. I never meant to do that. I didn't know you felt that way, honey. We can still snuggle on the couch, and make out and—"

Jane cuts her off with a searing kiss, and Maura completely and utterly loses all of her words, what she was going to say. Only Jane can do that to her.

Jane brings their bodies flush together and the kiss deepens. Maura is pressed up against the wall now, Jane running one hand down her side, as she wraps a leg around Jane's waist.

It is as if the heat that had been sparked from the frustration and desperation between them earlier still needs to come barreling out and they are grabbing for each other with great urgency. There is such passion between them that Maura has never experienced before. It as if they are realizing how they almost lost each other a moment before and want to prove their love wholeheartedly to one another.

Jane presses eager, hot kisses down Maura's neck, and Maura bends into them, clutching Jane closer.

Jane pulls Maura's shirt off in one easy swoop. She reaches for her own, but Maura pulls Jane's hands back onto her body. She _needs _Jane touching her right now. She takes the responsibility of pulling Jane's shirt off and then her bra, so Jane's hands can be where they need to be.

She fiddles with her own bra, letting it drop to the ground, and then their lips are colliding again.

Jane's pulling at Maura's hips with such force that Maura jumps on Jane, wrapping her legs securely around her waist.

Jane walks them back to her bedroom and Maura buries her face in Jane's neck, breathing her in and kissing Jane's scorching skin.

Even in this heated frenzy, Jane is so gentle as she places Maura on the bed. She leans over Maura, drawing circles with her fingertips around Maura's waist, creating goosebumps on Maura's skin. All Maura can think about is Jane and the glorious way her skin feels against Maura's own. When Jane begins to unbutton Maura's pants and pull them down, Maura can't help the shiver of excitement that runs through her, her body pulsing with desire.

Jane presses a kiss to Maura's collarbone. It is gentle and soft, and suddenly things are slowing down some.

Maura can sense Jane's insecurity starting to bleed through. She puts a finger under Jane's chin and tilts Jane's head up so she can see those eyes. Her other hand goes to the button of Jane's jeans and she asks with her eyes. _Is this alright? _

The light in Jane's eyes and the way she leans into Maura's hand say_ Yes._

When they are completely naked, Jane leans back a little and just looks and looks at Maura, like she's the most beautiful thing she's ever seen. She runs her eyes up and down her body. Jane doesn't even have to touch her and Maura's body responds—shivering, arching up towards Jane.

Jane seems to shake her head a little in disbelief. Then she leans forward and with their lips barely brushing together, she whispers the word _beautiful, _as if pushing it into Maura's mouth, into the deep caverns of her soul.

Then they are wrapped around each other, breathing each other in.

Maura ends up above Jane, in between her legs, pressing kisses down the length of Jane's long, toned body.

She can't believe this gorgeous woman is hers.

She looks up at Jane's face and is sure she's never seen Jane so open and vulnerable. It makes Maura want to take her right there—make her fall apart, so she can put her back together.

She runs her hand teasingly along Jane's thigh-up and up, and inside.

Maura knows when she reaches the right spot for Jane moans and arches up into her touch. Maura keeps circling with her fingers, and Jane pulls at Maura's arms, moving Maura upwards so that her head is closer to Jane's, her chin on Jane's chest.

"Here. I want you here, Maur," Jane manages to get out through shallow breaths.

"I'm right here, beautiful."

Maura keeps a steady rhythm, heart beating almost as quickly as Jane's.

Soon, Jane is barely able to contain herself. She is growling low and deep and it makes Maura's core burn.

_God, this woman. _

Jane grabs onto Maura, pulling her closer, fingernails digging into the skin of Maura's back, but then she moves to grab the bed sheets, twists them in her fists.

Maura can tell Jane's not letting go completely, not giving into the feelings that are rocking through her.

"Maura," Jane breathes, and her eyes are wide and questioning. She shakes her head a little, as if resisting herself the pleasure. It is such a Jane move.

Maura increases the pace a little, pressing kisses on Jane's breasts.

"It's okay, sweet girl. Let go. It's alright, it's just me."

Jane is releasing the sheets and grabbing hold of Maura again. She bucks underneath Maura and moans loudly, calling Maura's name.

"It's alright, sweet girl," Maura says as she takes Jane the last step of the way.

Jane is seeing stars and moonbeams, pulling Maura close to her as she rides out her orgasm.

"Love you, I love you," Jane pants, struggling to catch her breath.

Maura just plants kisses all over Jane, and holds her more tightly against her.

Jane falls asleep wrapped around Maura. Maura can tell from her steady breathing, the relaxed smile on her face, that Jane is having her first nightmare-free sleep in a long while.

"I love you," Maura whispers into the shell of Jane's ear.

* * *

**Please let me know what you think. Por favor-with cherries on top. Because this chapter was somewhat of a step out of the usual for me :) **


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: Thank you so much for the positive response to the last chapter. Wow. **

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**Chapter 15**

It's been another grueling eighteen hours of waiting for Maura to wake up, shuffling back and forth between her room and Frost's room—holding his hand while he sleeps as well. Jane feels much better about Frost, especially when the doctor tells her how much he is improving.

She imagines that smile of his, and it somewhat heats her chilled bones, her battered heart. It makes her hate herself a little less because he doesn't hate her at all. Those eyes said: _respect _and _I care about you_ and this matters so much. Jane has very few friends, but the ones she does have she is extremely close to—they are family. And they know it. And Jane needs them all in her life, needs to hang onto them.

Frost is strong, he can pull through anything.

But in the dimming twilight of the day, as Jane stares at Maura's hospital window, holding Maura's fragile hand in hers, she finds that she's not so sure she herself can pull through anything anymore. Jane lies her head on the bed right next to Maura's limp form. Maura had been wrong about her.

Jane remembers a night with red flares—Hoyt's face pinned to her bedroom walls, her dreams. Maura had insisted on Jane teaching her how to use a gun, vigilant about being the one to protect her. And then, when the guys arrived to keep watch, Maura came to check on Jane.

She opened the door to Jane's bedroom, and let out a little sigh when she saw Jane not sleeping.

Maura slowly crawled into bed beside her and Jane felt such relief. The demons that had circled her bed before were now pushed outside of her window. They were still bust outside, sitting on the window ledge, but they couldn't come in right then.

"Jane," Maura had whispered into the dark of the night, lighting it up a little with just one word.

"Mmm?" Jane said, gratefully grasping onto the hand Maura had offered.

"Hoyt's after you because he _knows _he can't break you. And it infuriates him, makes him pine after you more. You pose a challenge, a threat to his game, to his ability to terrify."

Jane had rolled over to look at Maura as she spoke, and Maura had turned to look at her as well, holding eye contact.

"You are so strong, Jane. He is not going to get to you. You have pushed past his evil and come out the other side and lived. Lived your life. You can do that again."

Jane breathed heavily, trying hard not to cry. But a part of her believed Maura could be right.

"You can pull through anything, Jane," Maura whispered sincerely, squeezing Jane's hand.

"You really believe…?" but Jane couldn't finish the sentence, the tears were yanking her words away.

She held Maura's hand to her chest, to her beating heart, hoping to God the words were true and wondering how she got so lucky to have someone like Maura in her life.

Maura smiled reassuringly, then pulled Jane to her, held her as Jane let out some of the tears.

"Yes, Jane. Yes, sweet girl, I do."

Jane never forgot the kiss Maura had planted on her head, the peace and warmth it had brought. "I do."

Jane shakes her head now, feeling alone and empty in this hospital room.

Maura was wrong. Jane can't pull through anything. She lifts her head up to wipe angrily at the tears, and catches her mother's reflection in the window. Angela's standing in the doorway. But Jane must be seeing things. No way her Ma is holding what Jane thinks she is.

She whips around, and her mother walks towards her. Jane blinks a few times but she is still holding that stuffed animal—the one that Maura won her at the amusement park.

It is an elephant—grey and soft and adorable, and worn from Jane holding it so many nights in her dream-battles against Hoyt and other evils. But she is positive she has never told anyone about it.

"Ma," she points at the elephant in disbelief. "What—"

"Oh, I saw this in your closet. It looked like you could use it," she said, and emphasized this point by cupping Jane's face in her hands and gently wiping dry Jane's tear-stained cheeks.

"How did you—"

"Oh, a mother knows, Janie." She hands over the stuffed animal and Jane can't help but hold it to her chest, squeeze it a little.

"Ma, don't go through my closets. Why do you do that?" But it comes out softly, a half-hearted scold.

"Well, I was getting you some clothes. You need to change out of those, hon. You're starting to stink."

Angela scrunches up her nose, and all Jane can do is laugh a little. It sounds strange.

She grabs the bag then heads for the bathroom, before remembering the stuffed animal. Jane gently places the elephant on the bed right next to Maura, then goes to change. She avoids the way her mother looks at her as she does this.

She comes back out a little more comfortable and content in wonderful sweats and a baggy Red Sox t-shirt, probably the only time her mother would approve of such clothing. She stops short at the sight of her Ma by Maura's bed. Angela brushes a few strands of Maura's hair back from her face, whispering things to her. Jane catches her name somewhere in there. She steps a little closer, holding her breath so she can hear better.

"Maura, hang in there, please. Especially, for my Janie. She loves you."

When her mother turns around, Jane has her arms wrapped around herself, trying not to cry.

"Oh, Janie. Come here, sweetie."

Jane takes her mother's hand and she pulls Jane over to the bed. Her mother puts her arms around her and gives her a tight squeeze. She makes it quick knowing how much Jane normally hates being hugged.

"Lay down, you need rest," she says gently. She pats Maura's bed subtly, then makes an unusually quiet exit.

Jane finds herself staring down at Maura, her limp arm half over the elephant.

"Maura, you gotta hold him better than that," she sniffs, trying not to cry. "At night, he needs to be loved a lot. You have to hold him tightly."

She carefully crawls into the bed, pressing her long body along Maura's side, wrapping the elephant up with her right arm.

"That's better," she whispers, looking at the way both of them have an arm around him now so that they have cradled the stuffed animal. "Now he feels safe."

She leans her head gently against Maura's shoulder.

"You taught me that," Jane says, her voice thick and low with the tears and all she can't say.

Then Jane closes her eyes. And miraculously, for the first time in days, she sleeps.

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**Thank you again for your support. This story and your reviews are some of the only light in my life these days. Keeps me going xx**


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: Future-family fluff because my heart hurts lately.**

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**Chapter 16**

It is one of the best ideas they've ever had. They both take the week off and rent a beach house in the Outer Banks.

Jane comes up with the plan to drive through the night—take turns driving so the other can sleep. Maura isn't too fond of the idea at first. But she comes to realize how brilliant of a plan it is when the kids are quiet the whole car ride. There are no fights on this road trip.

Their five year old and their nine year old are both peaceful for once—snuggled up in the backseat, wrapped in blankets, their heads resting on tiny travel pillows.

The radio plays soft music, love music—the kind of tunes Maura likes. The plan for the passenger to sleep goes out the window when Maura stays awake through all of Jane's driving shift, keeping her company. Maura just can't help but take advantage of the fact that they finally have time to talk and won't be interrupted by work or the kids.

Her heart is beating fast around Jane, like it did when they first started their relationship. Maura takes in the sight of Jane's gorgeous silhouette—the defined cheek bones and strong jaw, the way her hair waves freely in the breeze that blows through the open windows as they speed down the highway. The road is practically empty and it just feels like Jane and Maura and the night. Maura feels soothed by the loll of the car, by the fact that her children are safe and snug in the backseat.

It is now time for her and Jane and she is loving every second of it. They don't talk about anything that Maura would consider incredibly important. But it's these long lasting conversations that Maura has been missing lately.

Sometimes the conversation fades, but there is never a dead silence. In the spaces between words, Maura quite enjoys the sound of the breeze, the tires rolling on the pavement, Jane's sighs.

Maura enjoys simply holding Jane's hand as they speed along to a good destination (one that isn't a murder scene), as they move towards a relaxing week with just their family.

Maura couldn't be happier.

She feels like a weight has been lifted off of her, and almost free-spirited. When they make quick stops at fast food restaurants to grab coffee, she can't help but feel as though this is an adventure. The caffeine keeps their eyes from drooping, but it is not what keeps Maura awake.

For once, she wants to be up at three in the morning. She wouldn't trade this time with her wife for anything in the world.

By the time it is ten in the morning they are pulling into the driveway of their beach house in North Carolina.

Maura drinks in the sound of Jane's deep, but gentle voice waking the children up, and the smile she flashes at Maura, forgiving her for falling asleep in the last couple of hours of the drive.

And she is so full.

* * *

They take the children to the beach straight away, leaving the unpacking and exploring the house for later.

Ellie and Tyler squeal when they realize the beach is right across the street.

"Mama, I can hear the waves!" Ellie cries, spinning around to look at Jane.

Jane grins at her daughter. Maura can tell she is exhausted but happy, and this makes Maura smile too.

"Yea, pumpkin. It's so close. Wanna help me carry a few things?"

Ellie eagerly snatches all the chairs and toys she can manage and starts off. Maura hastily picks up things and then runs to reach Ellie before she crosses the street.

"Ellie Rosa!" she shouts, when Ellie dares to take a step or two onto the street. "Do not cross that street until I am there!"

Ellie halts. "Sorry, Mommy," she says, looking up at her with those big green eyes, and seeming to be genuinely apologetic. Usually, Ellie tests, but Maura can tell she has just gotten carried away with excitement today.

Maura sighs a little, her heart already slowing down.

"I know you're excited for the beach, honey. But the rule stands that you need to cross a busy street like this with me or Mama, okay?"

Ellie nods. Maura brushes back Ellie's long dark hair from her face. She never wants to tie back her unruly curls, but maybe she'll let Maura do it today.

"How can you even see, Lee?"

Ellie rolls her eyes, but smiles. The look reminds Maura of Jane when she gets annoyed by Maura's antics, but also finds her adorable at the same time.

"Today you can pull my hair back, Mom. Okay?"

Maura claps her hands a little in excitement. "Braid?" she asks, hopefully.

Ellie raises her eyebrows. She snorts a little, as Jane makes the same sound from behind her.

"If you can tame this wildness," Jane says as she reaches where they stand. She picks up a handful of Ellie's curls that are strikingly similar to her own.

Maura slaps Jane's arm playfully.

"Maura! I'm carrying things, woman."

Maura laughs a little, then turns to see Tyler dropping toys on the ground. "I'm tired," he shrugs, as if this explains everything.

He is tiny for his age, with light brown hair that gets even lighter in the summer, and eyes that are always changing, as if they can't make up their mind what to be—light blue, grey, dark blue, dark green.

Maura sighs, but she can't help but smile when he looks up at her with excitement.

"The beach, Mommy!" He points with his little finger. "I wanna play!"

Ellie is by his side picking up the toys. She huffs as she adds to her load. "Well, we can't play til we get to the beach Tyler," she says, all business.

Maura tries to hide her laugh behind her hand.

"Come on, Tyler," Maura says taking his little hand and tugging him towards the beach.

Jane and Ellie are quite a sight—both determined, pushing forward through the sand, hunched over from the weight they bear. Maura swears she's seeing Jane and a child version of herself.

She shakes her head, handing a little bag of toys out to Tyler.

"Can you hold this for me, baby?"

Even though he's the youngest in the family and often gets away with quite a bit, he usually listens to Maura, eager to please.

He nods and takes the bag.

"Lee and Mama will beat us there!" he cries, then starts pulling Maura through the sand towards the rest of her family.

* * *

"Ellie!" Tyler yells, running after his sister as she heads for the sea to fill up another bucket. He crashes into her, wrapping his little arms around her waist. She doesn't lose her footing though, and places a hand on his head.

"Hey Ty, can you help me carry back this bucket?"

He takes his duty very seriously, running back to their sandcastle with the bucket sloshing water everywhere. Ellie sighs, but smiles a little.

Jane and Maura laugh. They are sitting on beach chairs watching their children enjoy the sand and waves.

"Look at these beautiful children we have," Maura sighs.

Jane takes Maura's hand and kisses it, then holds it in hers as they watch Ellie instruct Tyler on the building of the sandcastle.

"I know. And smart."

Maura nods in agreement.

Ellie reads through books like there are too many in the world she wants to read and she's afraid she'll never get to all of them. Sometimes she has trouble in school, but she says that it's because she has a hard time in that environment where they are constantly sitting, being told what to do. It is boring for her and when she doesn't feel like she is in charge of what she wants to learn she tends to shut down. Jane says she was similar when she was younger. They are working on it. There is never any doubt that their daughter is bright.

Tyler is forever curious, and learns things very quickly. That quality reminds Maura of herself.

"We're so lucky, Maur."

Maura turns to her wife. Jane looks tired, but so happy, more relaxed than she's seen her in a long time. Her skin is already tanning, bringing out her dark features even more. The ocean air has made her hair more wild than usual, but Maura has come to love her crazy hair. She's wearing a suit Maura bought her that compliments her body so well, and Maura can't help but run a hand along Jane's thigh, feeling her rough, warm skin.

She is incredibly beautiful. She always is, but especially today. Maura has a need to tell her. She leans over and kisses Jane's cheek, and when Jane turns towards her, captures her lips. It is a sweet kiss, but fast. Ellie often makes some kind of complaint when she catches them.

"You're beautiful," Maura tells Jane with a smile.

"How did I get so lucky," Jane says in wonder, brushing a blond lock from Maura's face, leaning forward to kiss her nose.

Maura giggles and the kids turn around.

"Oh, jeez, get a room," Ellie cries, but she is smiling, and Maura is thankful when she distracts her brother back to the sand castle.

* * *

Maura is enjoying watching her family jump over the waves. Ellie swims excitedly by Jane's side, sometimes taking her hand when a particularly big wave comes. She laughs and laughs at something Jane said. Jane has Tyler on her hip, his little arms wrapped around her neck. He is facing Maura, so she can see the grin that lights up his face every time a wave rushes over them.

Maura was cold and tired after an hour of this, but now she's glad she's come back to the beach. It's so wonderful to watch them.

They start to come into shore and Ellie runs towards her shouting something about a sand crab.

"Mommy, look, look!" she says, holding out her hand where the little creature squirms.

"Yes, darling, I see!"

"Can you tell me all about sand crabs, Mom?" Ellie asks hopefully, green eyes alight.

Maura smiles. "Of course, but first let's get you dry, hmm? You're cold, baby," she says, running a hand up and down Ellie's arm. Ellie nods and runs for a towel, still careful of the sand crab in her hand.

Jane walks up to Maura at this second, cradling Tyler in her arms like she did when he was a baby.

"Look at this little sack of potatoes I brought you, Mommy," Jane calls as she drops a laughing Tyler in Maura's lap.

"Jane!" Maura cries. Tyler is soaked and now she's cold. But she finds herself laughing.

"Well, you ditched us like twenty minutes ago, it's about time you got wet again," Jane said, grinning mischievously as she bends down and places a kiss on Maura's lips.

Then she picks up a smiling Tyler and wraps him in the towel Maura hands her.

Maura smirks. Two can play at this game.

"Oh, yeah, Jane Rizzoli? Well, you're coming back in the water with me. Right now."

Jane has just gotten Tyler sitting in a beach chair. Maura grabs Jane's hand and pulls her towards the ocean, Jane clearly caught by surprise. Maura figures why the hell not. She's already soaked and cold.

"Wait, Maur, I just got out. It's cold, I thought you—" Jane stammers, but Maura doesn't let up and pulls her right towards the water's edge.

That's where Jane uses her strength and they come to a halt. "Maura," Jane mutters, nodding over her shoulder at their kids. Maura looks up to find Ellie and Tyler both sitting in beach chairs, fascinated by the sand crab Ellie found.

"Oh, they're fine, Jane. You're just being a wimp," she teases.

That does the trick like Maura knew it would. Now, Jane is the one yanking her into the surf. She wraps Maura up from behind and tickles her. Maura laughs and squeals a little as Jane plants rough kisses down her neck, then lifts them up as a wave comes.

Maura takes ahold of Jane's hands around her waist, partly to prevent Jane from tickling her again, but mostly because she just wants to touch Jane, to keep her close. She leans back into Jane's embrace, sighing contently. Jane presses a soft kiss to her cheek.

Another wave comes and they jump in synch over it.

Being one with Jane is so effortless.

* * *

The rest of the day and night flies by.

Maura sits Ellie in her lap like she used to do when she was little and for once she doesn't squirm. She tells her about sand crabs and sand dollars and the force of the ocean.

Jane takes Tyler on the train ride at the boardwalk and then she takes Ellie on the tilt-a-whirl.

Maura gets her children ice cream and they thank her over and over—used to her being the mother who pushes healthy food.

She gets a funnel cake to split with Jane and this time Jane kisses off some of the powdered sugar that Maura inevitably gets on her mouth.

They all hold hands down the boardwalk forming an unstoppable Rizzoli-Isles family train. That is until Ellie decides to break free and run to the edge, staring out at the dark ocean. It still rumbles even though everyone has left its shores for the night.

Ellie has always been drawn to the ocean. Jane tells her it was because she was almost born five feet away from the water and if it wasn't for her quick-thinking Mommy, she would have come out right onto the sand. Ellie loves hearing that story. Now, she runs back to them and asks to hear it again.

Jane and Maura tell the story the whole way home, and the kids fall asleep before they reach the driveway. Jane carries Ellie, who helps Jane by sleepily wrapping her arms around her neck. Maura notes how her daughter is getting too big for Jane to carry anymore as she follows them up the stairs, holding Tyler. Maura cradles her son who buries his face into her neck like he used to do when he was a baby. It's funny how tall Ellie is and how tiny Tyler's frame is, something she and Jane have not missed.

When the kids are in bed, Jane and Maura find themselves practically collapsing onto theirs.

Maura stares out at the sea through the open windows, breathing in the ocean air, taking in the sound of the soothing waves. It is like a lullaby and with Jane right beside her she couldn't be more relaxed.

She is surprised to turn around and find that Jane is not asleep as she thought she would be. She meets Maura's eyes right away.

"What are you thinking about?" Maura asks, reaching out to stroke Jane's cheek. She will never get over her magnificent bone structure.

She kisses her. "Aren't you tired?"

Jane nods, but brings Maura closer to her, kissing her with great heat and passion—using her actions instead of words.

Desire.

It's a powerful thing. It's amazing how great Maura's desire is for Jane. She craves her in the littlest ways.

They are drawn to each other like magnets, their bodies pressing together without thought, simply because it must be or they'll both burst.

Maura doesn't know what she would do without Jane's kisses down her chest that leave her feeling like she has been ripped open, her heart exposed for the world to see.

She doesn't know what she would do without Jane's hands sweeping up and down her body like it is something to be handled with care, something to love.

Maura pulls Jane towards her, her body arching up in yearning, her lips and hands trying to satisfy that burning hunger deep within her for Jane.

_Jane. _

Maura kisses Jane and fills herself.

She rocks and moves with Jane, their bodies in perfect synch. She flies away with Jane and fills herself.

She falls apart under Jane's touch and comes back again better.

Whole.

* * *

**Thoughts? Your reviews have been amazing recently, thank you xx**


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: Thank you for your kind words and support. I'm just loving this story, it gives me something good right now. And I'm glad you guys seem to be enjoying it too. **

* * *

**Chapter 17 **

Jane wakes up with no sense of time or place. All she knows is that Maura's arms are wrapped around her. She knows this before she opens her eyes. There is a way Maura holds her that feels like home. No one else has ever made Jane feel like this.

She cracks an eye open. When she sees the hospital room, it all comes rushing back to her and she barely fights the urge to sit right up, afraid to disturb Maura. But Maura is holding _her. _She is sure of it.

She carefully turns in Maura's arms to that she is now facing Maura. She's…not awake.

Jane sighs deeply. But she had to have been awake at one point, or somewhat close to being conscious right? She's changed her position in the bed, she's holding Jane. And Jane could swear she looks more _alive_.

Maura begins to stir as if she can hear Jane's thoughts.

Jane holds her breath. She can't believe this is happening.

Maura peeks one eye open and gives Jane a smile. It is small, but that smile couldn't compare to any other smile in the world. Jane is sure her heart stops for a second.

"Maur?" she whispers in awe.

Jane reaches out to touch Maura's cheek, her brow. Her skin is definitely less warm, not as flushed.

"You alright?" Maura says quietly, her voice hoarse.

But she's _talking_.

They are inches from each other and talking and Jane couldn't be happier.

"Am _I _alright?" Jane exclaims. "I'm not the one who's been knocked out with a fever!"

Maura looks somewhat confused. Then understanding seems to hit her.

"You don't remember," Maura says.

She shifts a little in bed and reaches for Jane's hand. Just like that they are tied together. And Jane feels whole.

"You had a lot of bad nightmares, Jane." She runs a thumb soothingly over the back of Jane's hand. "I guess you could say they helped bring me out of my unconscious state."

Maura reaches out to stroke Jane's cheek. It is only then that Jane notices her face is wet. Maura is wiping away tears from Jane's cheeks that she wasn't even aware had fallen.

"I'm sorry." The words come tumbling from her lips, but Jane realizes it is all she has been wanting to say.

She grabs onto the hand that is touching her cheek. Maura is awake and _touching _her. She just can't get over this fact.

"Did I hurt you?" It comes to her as a horrifying after thought.

"No. Not at all, sweet girl," Maura says, her eyebrows furrowing. "You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm alive and awake thanks to you."

Jane scuffs, pulling away from Maura's touch. As much as it pains her to be apart from Maura, she turns onto her back. She can't look at Maura's beauty when faced with how terrible she is.

"No, Maura. You almost died because of me."

"Jane," Maura whispers. Just Jane's name, but she doesn't need to say anything else. Her tone says it all, as well as the kiss she places on Jane's cheek.

Jane feels a rush of warmth all through her body at the mere touch of Maura's lips against her skin.

"By the way, I'm kissing you because I was told you were taking antibiotics."

_Maura._ Only Maura would talk like that—clarifying reasons and explaining medical things.

_Her _Maura is definitely back. Jane manages a relieved laugh.

"Also, there's no one else I'd rather kiss," Maura says, kissing Jane's cheek once more.

Jane turns to see Maura, but stupid tears are filling her eyes. God, will she ever stop crying? _You're becoming soft, Rizzoli._

Maura makes her melt, makes feelings come pouring out of her that Jane wasn't even aware she had. But if Maura's next to her, alive and _really _there, Jane doesn't mind what Maura does to her, how she changes her, scrambles up her insides.

In fact, she welcomes it. It's like her mother said: Maura makes her heart beat right. It hasn't been beating correctly all these years until Maura came along.

"You saved me," Maura says, firmly.

They lie facing each other and Maura takes Jane's hands in her own. "Especially with that kiss of yours."

Maura leans closer to Jane and Jane wraps a leg around Maura's, closing the distance even further.

Jane can't believe this is happening, it is overwhelming warmth after such darkness and coldness.

"Kiss me?" Maura whispers, her lips slightly brushing Jane's. "Again. Like before."

It is all so effortless—their lips coming together, both of them coming undone, losing and finding themselves all at once.

This kiss is even better than the first.

* * *

Maura keeps finding Jane's lips. She just wants to be wrapped up in Jane. For the rest of her life. She fits so perfectly in her arms. When she is surrounded by Jane, there is no longer any pain radiating through her body. There is nothing but happiness and love.

But then Jane says she needs to get a doctor, she wants people to check on Maura.

Maura shakes her head. She wants nobody else in this world. She just wants Jane. But Jane, as always, is stubborn. And she's never been less than persistent and thorough when it comes to Maura's well-being.

Maura burrows her head into the crook of Jane's neck while they wait for the doctors, so comforted. She feels a small tug in the back of her mind, like a part of her knows that it is possible to love two other human beings as much as she loves Jane, but in a different way. In the future, there is a sort of promise of this.

But these thoughts make her a little hazy, as if coming out of a dream, another time and place, and she wants to stay in the present moment so she shakes her head, focusing on just Jane, _Jane._

* * *

The doctors come in and they're still holding each other. Jane just doesn't really give a shit. Nothing is more important than Maura and being with her right now.

The doctors have already examined Maura while Jane was sleeping, as soon as she had woken up. Her fever was greatly reduced at the time, and they say that her temperature has stayed about the same since. This is promising, and they are happy with how alert she is. They say she is coming into the clear, that it appears the antibiotics are working well. They give her another dose of the medicine.

Jane can't help but squeeze Maura tight and plant a kiss on top of her head at the news.

But then the doctors warn that it is possible that Maura's temperature will rise again. It is clear that her body is still fighting against this disease, she still has some symptoms: the pain in her neck and her head, some sensitivity to light. Therefore, Maura may get a high fever again.

Maura kisses Jane when the doctors leave the room, smoothing away the crease on Jane's brow.

"It's okay, Jane."

"Maura, I can't..." She tries to take a deep breath, but this news has shaken her a little. "I can't_ lose_ you again."

Maura squeezes Jane's hand.

"You never lost me, sweet girl. Even when I'm not conscious I'm still with you."

Jane runs a finger down Maura's nose, traces her cheeks. She's trying to memorize Maura's face. The way it feels when Maura's awake and alert, the flutter of her eyes.

"Every time I'm not awake with you, I'm with you in my…dreams."

Maura sounds a little further away. Jane leans up on one elbow, staring down into Maura's face, trying to read her eyes. They're clouding over a little.

"Really? What are we doing in your dreams?"

Maura seems to really think about this. "We are together."

Jane lets out a little chuckle. "Yea, I get that Maur, I mean what are we _doing. _Like are we solving crimes, taking one of those morning jogs you love, having a movie night…"

Jane doesn't know why she's curious. She just feels like it's important for some reason. Like she's missed something while Maura's been unconscious and she wants to know all about it.

Maura is silent for awhile, eyes closed. Jane can't help but get a little worried and kisses her a couple of times on the forehead. Maura opens her eyes and rubs her hand up and down Jane's arm as if sensing Jane's urgency and worry, wanting to soothe her.

"I mean that we're _together _Jane, as in we're a couple. I think we're—" Maura blushes and trails off.

Jane's heart beats a little faster with excitement. "What?" she presses.

"We're married in a lot of them," Maura looks down as she says this, looking at her left hand, absent of a wedding ring.

Jane's stomach is doing cartwheels. Her mind is foggy.

_Married?_ To _Maura_? That would be…amazing. Terrifying. Thrilling. Too much. Too, too much.

Jane can't help it, she turns over onto her back. She's having trouble breathing when she's thinking of marriage and Maura is that close to her.

"Jane," she feels Maura's touch on her arm, her voice seems worried, timid almost.

"Yea," Jane breathes.

"You alright?"

"I just, don't know what to say," Jane can't even think, let alone speak well.

But she can feel Maura's brain whirring beside her. Jane can tell Maura's jumping to the wrong conclusions, that her insecurities are starting to eat her alive, she can feel it. And even though Jane's not exactly sure what this idea of being married to Maura does to her, she is sure of how she feels about Maura. So, Jane will tell her she is beautiful, that she is wonderful. Because she is.

When she turns over, Maura's eyes are shut, her cheeks are flushed.

"Maura," Jane strokes her cheek gently. "Do you know how beautiful you are? How….well, you mean a lot to me."

She wants to say love, but the word gets jammed in her throat. "Everything."

Maura doesn't say anything for a little while. Jane is getting nervous.

"Jane," Maura whispers.

"Yeah, honey."

"I feel," she pauses, seems to drift for a little. "You know how much I…"

Something isn't right. Jane's heart is beating wildly now, and for a different reason than before. She shoots up and looks at Maura's monitors. They don't seem to be out of control or too strange, but the numbers are higher than before and she's not sure what it means, but she senses things are wrong and her instincts…they never fail her. She pushes a call button.

She leans over Maura, cupping her face in her hands. "Maura. Sweetie. Tell me how you feel, what do you feel?"

Maura just mumbles and Jane is desperate, fingers tapping on Maura's cheek.

"What? What, Maura? Please don't. God, please don't leave me again, I thought you weren't going to—"

The doctors are running in. They are saying something about temperature rising.

_Rapidly_ they say.

Like the rate of Jane's heart.

Like how fast Maura drifts away from her again.

* * *

**...**

**How do _you_ feel? Tell me **


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